Review: Disaster Movie

Plot: Spoofs of recent major films set against the backdrop of a world ending catastrophe.

The Ups: You know, honestly I didn't think I would have anything to put in this section other than the fact that the flick had a short run time. I did however think the 'Enchanted' character was funny, and the send up of 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' did have me laughing a bit. It also didn't hurt from a guys perspective that they had plenty of eye candy.


The Downs: Whew, where to start? First off 'Disaster Movie' is a misleading title, it should be called 'Movies that came out in the past six months and oh yeah there's asteroids falling'. Just about every single joke falls flat on its face and the only ones that don't are ruined by the filmmakers need to draw the skit out for 5 minutes longer than it should be. I'm not even going to comment on the lack of any kind of plot because lets be honest the only aim in these flicks is to find a way to link Amy Winehouse to '10,000 BC' so that they can transition between jokes. As if these latest spoof movies weren't bad enough, we now get to sit through takes on current pop culture “stars”. I mean Christ...they even managed to work in Wolf from American Gladiators. This seemed to be a joke even to those who were starring in it. When Z list celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra perform like they are better than the script you know it has to be complete shit.

The Final Word: Please....please...PLEASE do not give these people your money. They keep making more of these because we keep going on opening day. If we show them that this pathetic excuse for a movie just isn't gonna cut it then maybe we can get back quality spoof's like 'Airplane' 'The Naked Gun' and 'Hot Shots'. Well, at least it lived up to it's name it was most definitely a disaster of a movie.

1/10

Clone Wars

Clone Wars: It's been suggested to me that any attempt to review this turd of a "film" would end up in a rant. And that's probably true, but I'll give it my best shot to remain calm and civil. It's not like I have any special affinity for Star Wars and was it's biggest fan until Lucas decided he wanted to steal MY money and make endless versions of the same film and time their releases when he KNEW everyone had already bought the previous version and then decided he wanted to make kiddie movies--

Whoa whoa whoa! Gimme a sec to get a grip.........deep breath....okay...

This version of Clone Wars stands in stark contrast to the previous version released a couple years back in segments by the Cartoon Network. That one, billed as the bridge between Episodes 2 an 3 of the feature films, most accurately portrayed the emotional states of it's main characters as well as giving us a glimpse at the real meat of the war taking place. We saw Anakin's continued descent to the dark side of the Force, as well as his fracturing relationship with mentor, Obi Wan Kenobi. It also contained little touches that only served to make Episode 3 more palatable, like revealing how General Grievous suffered his injuries and why we're supposed to consider him such a bad ass. I consider that version of Clone Wars to be the perfect example of using different media outlets to further a franchise. I proudly look upon it as a fan to be fully in-continuity, by far the best thing to come out of the Star Wars prequels.

Then we have this newer, even more animated version of Clone Wars. I don't know where this thing came from. It's like it spawned, fully grown and stinking, from George Lucas's ass crack. Normally I'd ask, "Who the hell greenlit this thang?", but I already know the answer. Lucas, in his infinite wisdom decided it would be to the benefit of the franchise to create a more kid friendly Clone Wars.

What I just said is misleading. George Lucas doesn't have the benefit of the franchise in mind. He hasn't for quite some time. It's all about money, and it shows in the creative output(such as it is) of his work. Make no mistake, this is a kids' film. None of the characters have a trace of who they were in the theatrical releases. They are cookie cutter cardboard shadows of their former selves, and if I had access to the original prints of this garbage I'd wipe my butt with it then flush.

The plot, such as it is, revolves around the kidnapping of Jabba's son. Why anyone would care about that is beyond me. I found the discussion of trade routes in Phantom Menace to be far more exhilerating. The Empire, in an attempt to frame the Jedi, kidnapped the little slug in order to curtail the Republic's use of Jabba's airspace. The Republic, not wanting to lose Jabba's favor, endeavor to rescue the child and set Anakin and Obi Wan to the rescue.

That would be enough of a plot right there for your average cartoon. But as if he's deliberately strumming the emotions of his hardcore fanbase to provoke anger, Lucas decided that Anakin somehow needs a padawn of his own. What? Where was she in the third film? A padawan would be hard to hide and impossible to ignore, right? And ofcourse, she's as cheerful and earnest as Anakin is dour and sullen. Only he's NOT dour and sullen like in the movies. No no no! This is a kids' film, and this version of Anakin is blandly heroic. The extent of his recklessness revolves around people saying "You're reckless!" and assuming we adults are too enamored with the awful animation to realize that Anakin is anything but reckless and is in fact quite dull and static.

Which leads me to the animation itself. Rather than waste valuable space detailing why it doesn't look quite right, I'll reverse course and list the good things about it:




(crickets chirp)





(tumbleweeds)






Not even the action is worth noting. Lots of scenes of clone troopers firing guns at those stick figure robots, but little worth remembering actually takes place. There was as much drama in an episode of GI Joe than this, and I knew nobody was gonna die then(although Duke almost did! Damn you Serpentor!).

The saddest part about this is that when the DVD package comes out, you just know the initial release will be a barebones version. Then six months later a repackaged Special Edition. And there will be people like me who stand there at Best Buy with this turd in their hands and seriously debate buying it. Some won't even debate and probably have it on pre-order already. And George Lucas will watch as another $20 bill falls through his ceiling into the big pile of accumulated Star Wars cash that he keeps heaped in a special room on his ranch or in his mansion or wherever, and he'll think he was successful. He'll call this crap a welcome edition to the Star Wars family. The masses paid for it, right? So it must've been good! Let's do another!

And he will. And I'll be first in line when he does. I'm such a sucker. Rant finished.

3/10

Tropic Thunder

Without doubt this summer has been a bit of a disappointment for me. I felt that there were four "Can't Miss" films this season: The Dark Night, Pineapple Express, Transsiberian, and Tropic Thunder. The Dark Knight exceeded expecation. Transsiberian was a borderline masterpiece. Pineapple Express is overrated and not nearly funny enough. And last but not least, Tropic Thunder, which had the luxury of having the funniest trailer I've seen in years. But was the film nearly as hilarious? Yes and no...


Directed by Ben Stiller himself, Tropic Thunder is the story of a war film gone horribly wrong. The film is helmed by a first-time director(the hilarious Steve Coogan), and it's gone massively overbudget. The film stars Dolph Lungren-esque action hero Tugg speedman(Ben Stiller); fart joke comedian and drug addict Jeff Portnoy(Jack Black); and arthouse favorite Kirk Lazarus(Robert Downey, Jr.). The clashing of egos by these whiny stars, combined with the less than talented director, has sent the production over the cliff.

Enter the REAL star of this movie, Les Grossman, played by the suprisingly funny Tom Cruise. Cruise's Grossman is fat, vulgar, greedy, and stereotypically evil and it's absolutely brilliant. Cruise hasn't been this entertaining since another eye-opening performance playing against type in Magnolia. Grossman, the producer on the film decides that something must be done to get these whiny babies back on track, so with some help from the film's writer, war veteran Four Leaf Tayback(Nick Nolte), they decide the only way is to throw the boys "in the shit" for real.

Most of the press on this film has revolved around Downey's performance as Kirk Lazarus, an Australian dramatic actor who undergoes a skin darkening procedure to play the African-American sergeant. The procedure has him looking somewhat more passable than C. Thomas Howell's Soul Man. He actually looks like a slightly less nourished version of Fred Sanford's son. It's a role that could have been a disaster on an epic scale. Played too much for laughs, and it could very well have alienated African-Americans to the point of riot, but Downey plays it mostly straight. It's absurd to be sure, but given just enough depth so as not to offend but make you really wonder how a guy could agree to such a thing. What's funny is that it's not completely out of the realm of possibility with today's actors going so overboard in transforming themselves to play potentially career changing roles.

In fact this film takes great pleasure in parodying Hollywood in one way or another. Portnoy is famous for his low brow comedy, The Fattys, which spoofs Eddie Murphy and his awful Nutty Professor films. Lazarus just recently did a film on two gay priests(co-starring Tobey Maguire looking more...metro...than he usually does) ala Brokeback Mountain. The back and forth ogling between Maguire and Downey will have you either covering your face in laughter or in disgust. Speedman gets the long since played out joke about an action franchise with a dozen sequels.

And there in lies my major beef with this film: Ben Stiller. His Tugg Speedman is so over-the-top in every conceivable way that he sticks out like a roach on a cloud. Stiller has never been a favorite of mine for this very reason. It's like he simply can't dial it down even when appropriate. Speedman's entire storyarc in this film goes too far to fit with the tone of the story. While his buddies are dealing with idenity issues and drug addiction, Speedman is fighting 5 year old terrorist children and having his memory erased. Every scene with him(except for one near the end and I give that credit to the flying baby) simply doesn't work. I realize he co-wrote and directed this film. Maybe it would have been better served if he had stuck to that. The writing is strong and often very very funny. I still find it hard to believe that it was co-written by Justin Theroux, who some might remember for his role in Mulholland Drive or as the Irish bad guy in the Charlie's Angels sequel.

Tropic Thunder is truly an odd bird of a film. With a cast list like this, you'd expect one of the headliners to steal the show and run with it. Downey does that for the most part, but if I had to pinpoint the true star of the movie for me it'd be Jay Baruchel. He plays Kevin Sandusky, the most grounded of the actors on set. He basically plays the straight man, and the looks on his face at some of the warped and deluded things his fellow actors say are priceless. You can tell he's wondering "Is this how I'm going to end up"? It's the most subdued and understated role, and Baruchel hits it out of the park. Not to be forgotten, I've got to give a nod to Brandon T. Jackson, who plays the one real African-American actor on set. His verbal sparring with Lazarus spark some of the funniest moments. This movie truly was stolen away by the least likely of actors.

Despite my negative comments, Tropic Thunder is definitely a must-see film and one of the funniest of the year. I'm genuinely interested in seeing more work from Stiller behind the camera now. Especially if it means less of him in front of it.

7/10

Review: Death Race

Plot: In the near future the prison system has become so overcrowded that private contractors have been called in to take over complete control. They begin broadcasting gladiator style fights over the Internet for a fee. When the fights are no longer enough they invent Death Race where cars armed to the teeth race for freedom in a kill or be killed atmosphere. Jensen Ames is framed for his wife's murder and is sent to terminal island. Now he must race for his freedom.

The Ups: Now, I may be a bit bias because I'm both a Jason Statham fan, and a huge action junkie but I gotta say that the action sequences in this flick were as good as anything I've seen since Gone in 60 Seconds. They are able to incorporate a key element of any racing video game in a very believable way which I liked a lot. Whenever we would get to the actual race scenes they would be intro'd as if you were watching the pay per view which, surprisingly enough, didn't come of as cheesy the way it has in some other movies that tried the same thing. All of the kills in the film were done wonderfully most of them you don't even see coming and there are quite a few “HOLY SH%T!!!” moments throughout. Lastly the soundtrack was surprisingly good, or I should say the main theme, it was really funky and worked well with the environment they were giving you.

The Downs: The screenwriters for this one really didn't work very hard when dreaming up the background characters. They basically took the script and said “OK generic prison guy #1 here, insert prison cliché, make 'don't drop the soap' joke, generic prison guy#2 here and......scene”. The other thing about the cast that really bothered me, and is a staple in a lot of prison movies is the chubby, nerdy, wouldn't hurt a fly friend of the main character. How does this guy get sent to the hardest prison in the country?? Did he murder 30 people and rape an aardvark? Fine, just tell us in a throwaway line so my mind can be at ease. I mean, damn....anyway. My other big gripe about this movie is an open letter to Hollywood: STOP USING THE SHAKY CAMERA....I GET IT, THERES ALOT GOING ON ITS ACTION PACKED. I'm sorry but this is the stupidest thing, they spend millions on stunts and FX only to have them not seen because you can't tell what the hell is going on. This flick even added a new twist and did a zoom in/zoom out type thing, it's just really annoying and takes away from the action thats going on.

The Final Word: Come on folks, Casablanca it's not .Theres a lot of crudeness and the acting isn't gonna win anyone any awards. That being said this was a really fun action packed late summer popcorn flick. One that I would definitely recommend to fans of the action genre, but if your more of a How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days type, maybe wait for the rental. For those who do go see it in theaters, watch for the Dreadnought, if you liked the tractor-trailer scene in The Dark Knight you're gonna love this!

7.5/10

Review: The Rocker

Plot: Drummer Robert “Fish” Fishman is fired from the hair metal band ‘Vesuvius on the eve of their success. He spends the next twenty years working a dead end job until a new opportunity presents itself in the form of his nephew’s garage band.

The Ups: This is a fun little movie with quite a few decent laughs and a little bit of heart without cheesing it up too much. Rainn Wilson is great, really a talent with wonderful comedic timing and has just enough of that neighbor look to make him even funnier. Joshua Gad who plays Fish’s nephew was a nice surprise. The trailers had me believe that he was a Jonah Hill knock off but thankfully this is not the case. While there is a similarity their humor is a bit different and this kid is actually likeable as opposed to Jonah Hill’s “funny but an asshole” characters. Teddy Geiger who until now was known only as a pop music one hit wonder actually turns in a decent performance and while I don’t see Oscars in his future he wasn’t bad. Watch for a great cameo/bit part by Will Arnett as Vesuvius lead singer also the bands agent plays the pitch perfect douchbag manager type.

The Downs: Formulaic to a fault. The film was completely predictable and followed the same template as every other movie of its kind. Also, little attention was paid to the movie’s subplots, a big deal was paid to an absentee father but the only payoff was that it served as inspiration for the songs. The love story arc was brought up and dropped about three times with no real resolution. For a comedy A LOT of the jokes fell flat and they seemed to reuse all standard sight gags Guy stands up and hits his head, Guy gets hit in the Crotch, Guy is naked and it is not pleasant.

The Final Word: Not a theater movie, maybe a rental if you don’t mind seeing the same thing played out with different characters. It’s unfortunate because the entire cast did a great job, it just didn’t seem like they had all that much to work with. Then again, maybe it’s partially the effect of having so many amazing movies out this summer before it.

6/10

Vicky Christina Barcelona

I'll be frank, I think Woody Allen is overrated. He's a one-trick pony who writes the same characters every single movie, especially the ones starring himself. He's a wormy, neurotic nerd who somehow always bags the youngest, hottest chicks. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'd probably do the same thing if I were him. But I'm not, and so the criticism stands. Other than Annie Hall, which is a masterpiece that I fully admit was correct in beating out Star Wars for best film in 1977, I've found most of Allen's work to be middling at best, atrocious at worst. I swear to god an eleven year old had to have written Scoop. In recent years, Allen's creative output has been a see-saw ride, to say the least. He peaked with the outstanding Match Point in 2005, reached a new low with Scoop, and now he's mining some new territory in Vicky Christina Barcelona.

"New territory" in the sense that he hasn't produced a film this overtly sexual in quite some time. The story revolved around two best friend, Vicky(Rebecca Hall) and Christina(Scarlett Johannson), who are polar opposites on the scale of love. Vicky is more conservative, more analytical in her thinking on the subject. Chrstina is more gregarious, more sensual. She hops from guy to guy never quite able to find one who excites her for the long term. Both women are extremely beautiful and intelligent, like most Woody Allen characters. There's no dumbing down of the subject matter here, every word seems calculated for maximum effect.

The two take a trip to Barcelona so that Vicky can finish her Masters degree. Rebeeca left behind her dependable but boring as hell fiance back in the States. The two meet up with Anton Chigurh, excuse me, Juan Antonio, played obviously by the great Javier Bardem. Cattlegun be damned, he instantly slays both women with his obvious sexuality and utter lack of contempt for tact. He outright tells both women he wants to sleep with them both, and for lack of a better word: It works. Not that he gets both right away. Vicky takes an instant dislike to him, but her contempt clearly belies her interest. Christina is instantly smitten, and the two agree to fly away with Juan Antonio to some beautiful eyeblink of a city. Circumstances arise which allow for Vicky and Juan to spend the majority of the getaway alone, and the two become close. Christina however ends up dating Juan while Vicky ponders where this leaves her current situation with her fiance, who I must repeat ain't terribly exciting. He's the type who's idea of "fun" is sitting around discussing Bill Gates' golf score with the other account managers. Juan Antonio on the other hand, oozes machismo. He's brash, brooding, mysterious, and a talented artist. A deadly combination if there ever was one. It was like looking in the mirror.

What develops is an intriguing and decidely adult love triangle. Er, make that a love rectangle. Vicky pines for the excitement Juan provides; Christina thinks she's found the one man who truly can satisfy her; Juan wants everything and nothing at the same time; and let's not forget Juan's ex-wife Maria Elena, who has the juiciest role in the entire film. She plays Juan's beautiful but clearly insane ex with so much raw emotion it practically jumps off the screen. She intrudes on every body's angst in such a powerful way that she practically steals the entire film. I'd tell people to see it just for her performance alone.

For the most part everyone performs as best as they are able, especially Cruz and Bardem who are consummate pros. Even my girlfriend found herself drooling over Juan Antonio, until I told her "Wait til I show you No Country for Old Men". See if you like him then. The problem is that Scarlett Johannson, who is clearly becoming Woody Allen's pet girl, never seems quite comfortable in her role. It's weird, considering she's such an attractive actress, but whenever she's trying to be sexy it comes off as forced. She's always playing AT something, rather than becoming the character. Rebecca Hall does an admirable job, and maybe it was the script but I found her performance stiff and wooden. Still, I enjoyed this film a great deal and hope this means better things in the future for Woody Allen. Then again, I said the same thing after Match Point and I was promptly smacked in the face with Scoop and Cassandra's Dream, two turds if there ever were any. I'll try to hold out hope for the best.

7/10

Site Under Construction, But Still Semi-Open for Business

Let's be honest, we're all a little tired of the artsy fartsy old critics who've monopolized the scene all these many years. Not that there's anything really wrong with them, some of them are quite nice. But up on the current issues? Not always. A bit too in favor of comparing every modern film to some silent film from a millenia ago? Sometimes. Don't get us wrong, we like us some classic films too. We just don't think every film needs to be held up to comparison with them. We're striving to produce a fun, down to earth show that manages to give insight without alienating the average, everyday filmgoer. We hope you'll enjoy it.

In the next few weeks, John and I will be working on building this page and getting our podcast in full swing. We intend for this to be the companion page to the show, with links to upcoming films that we're keeping our keen eyes on; as well as critical information on upcoming DVD releases as well as our opinions on the current crop of titles.

You'll be hearing from us soon! Enjoy the show!

--John and Travis