There are times when Michael Bay knows exactly how to hit the right buttons. At times, Transformers sends me back to a time when I was a kid playing with my Soundwave action figure, having him duke it out with Ultra Magnus on my front porch. The times when, even then, I wondered what a live action Transformers film would look like; how cool it could be; how they could just bring the phenomenal Transformers: The Movie into the real world and it'd be awesome. But then, Bay flips to the other side of the coin, and does all the same things wrong that would've annoyed me as a child and still annoy me to this day. There's no middle ground. You're either exhilerated by a few amazing action sequences, or bored to tears by a mind boggling plot and stilted conversation about shards and matrixes. >yawn<
It's two years after Megatron's defeat, and now the Autobots have fully incorporated themselves into the country's military as a part of NEST, a special human/Autobot strike force designed to take out Decepticon threats. But the government now is starting to get a little weary of the fighting, and the logical assumption is made that the Autobots are what's drawing the Decepticons to earth. Without a human voice to support them, the good guys quickly become persona non grata, and turn to Sam Witwicky(Shia Labouf) to help them. Unfortunately Sam is on his way to college, a segment of the film best left undiscussed, as it quickly devolves into lame sitcom humor involving his well meaning but goofy parents. Sam and his too hot for him girlfriend Mikaela(Megan Fox) prepare for a life of phone sex and web cam chats.
Little do they know that the Decepticons are actually in search of something in particular. An ancient Decepticon known as The Fallen has returned, and seeks the location of a Sun Harvester, a device used to create energon by destroying stars. The only known location of the machine is hidden in Sam's mind, since he's now one with the All Spark. There's also something involving the Matrix of Leadership, but honestly it's all too convoluted for a Transformers movie. It feels like they took these cool elements of the cartoon continuity, threw them into a blender and hit puree. None of it makes a lot of sense. Anyway, The Fallen, Megatron, and the rest of the Decepticons head off to capture Sam, soak up his knowledge and use it to find the Harvester.
There's a definite initiative in this film to bring the Autobots more into the real world, which was something I thought was seriously lacking in the previous. The Transformers are now a part of the world at large, which is somewhat more in line with the cartoon and comics. I like the way the government begins to look at all of the aliens with suspicion, which felt like a natural course considering they've brought nothing but war and death since arriving. It's something I hope they capitalize on for the next film because it genuinely works for awhile, up until the promising subplot is used as comedy fodder later on. Then again virtually every promising aspect of the story is thrown away at some point, but that's because The Fallen is a lame ass character to center a film around. He's suddenly the true leader of the Decepticons, but Megatron fails to mention him last time around? Whatever. Not to mention that he doesn't seem to be any different than any other Transformer other than that he looks vaguely Egyptian, but at least he ain't rockin' a gold tooth or a walking stick(more on that later).
Whatever. Nobody cares about the plot anyway. This thing is about giant robots pounding metal fists into eachother's grills, right? Compared to the previous film, this Transformers is a bit easier on the eyes during the fights sequences. There's a sense that they actually tried to choreograph each battle, rather than just hurling masses of metal at eachother and having them roll around the screen for awhile. Some of the battles are almost operatic in nature, as Optimus dances among four Decepticons in a pitched battle that ultimately ends in his defeat. There's something about watching Optimus Prime fall in battle that is always gut wrenching, and this from a guy with a Decepticon tattoo on his arm. Then again I got that same feeling everytime I saw my beloved Soundwave used as a glorified DirecTV satellite up in space. Whatta waste. But I digress....the point being that the battles are more open, more thrilling than before. The explosions are bigger, the guns are more ratta-tat-tatty, and there are more than two Decepticons this time and not just a bunch of bland drones.
The Autobots again are the recipients of all the robotic personality, as we get a host of new boyscouts for Hasbro to make toys out of. We get a version of the only female Autobot, Arcee, now a trio of lovely fem-bots. We're also introduced to Jetfire, an ancient Decepticon who has been stuck in a museum as an old biplane for decades. Explain this to me: Why would an old robot who's been in a museum for years transform into an old man with a walking stick? Does he eat energon oatmeal and wear Cybertronian Depends™, too? It's just stupid beyond belief, but atleast he's not offensive.
There's been a ton of talk about two particular characters, Mudflap and Skids. People have been complaining that the two represent a poor stereotype of African-Americans being as that they have gold teeth, speak in a amped up version of hip hop slang, and basically act ignorant for 90% of the film. It doesn't help that they openly claim to "not do much readin'" or something like that. Personally, I found that to be more annoying than offensive. I remember the original autobot Jazz back in the 80's was CLEARLY a black dude. So was Blaster. They would break dance, talk in jive, and I never really cared. Still don't. I see these two as an extension of that, and I honestly believe nobody would give a damn if they weren't so prominent. They dominate every scene they're in because they are so friggin' annoying. Remember how you'd groan if Jar Jar Binks did so much as walk on screen for two seconds? That's how these two are. Aggravating. But racist? I think that's a bit much.
There's no reason in the world that a Transformers film should be 2 1/2 hours long. Period. None. That alone tells you that there is way too much filler here, and that is the biggest problem this movie suffers. When they aren't fighting, it's a slow plodding bore, compounded by it's snooze inducing length. If you're seeing Tyrese Gibson or one of Sam's unfortunate parents, you're probably snoozing. Or wondering how many toes you'll crush on your way to the bathroom. The military might as well be the words "Mr. Irrelevant" stamped on their foreheads. They serve no purpose other than to provide Bay a chance to blow up an aircraft carrier.
If Transformers continues without Bay at the helm I honestly believe it will be a worse film for it. Sure, his films require only the bare minimum of acting which is why I didn't even comment on it in this entire review(except for Glenn Morshower who is DA MAN!), but Bay does bring the vision and scale that a film like this demands. I only wish the script(which ain't his fault) was up to par. Sadly, it just lags and drags too much for what is essentially a film about giant robots. The last thing in the world it should EVER be is dull at any point. Maybe they'll hit the nail on the head the next time around.
6/10
