Men in Black 3 Finds a Writer...But Who Will Star?

I think today is one of those days where news is dropping on everything I could care less about, yet feel compelled to discuss. For instance, Sony has decided that now is a good time to get their much rumored Men in Black threequel off the shelf and into production. They've already nailed down the writer, buzzworthy scribe Etan Cohen(Tropic Thunder, Idiocracy) has signed on to pen the sci-fi comedy. Director Barry Sonnenfeld, who helmed the first two pictures, is attatched in some way but nothing is confirmed. He could be the caterer for all we know this time around.

But there remains a lingering doubt, as there's been no word on whether Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones will reprise their roles. Without them, they might as well send this thing straight to DVD, which to me is a distinct possibility anyway. Let's face it, the two stars are what carried both of those movies. I was not the biggest MIB fan, but I didn't hate it. The sequel was awful, though. Any attempt to push out a third film without either of the two leads is doomed for failure. What're they gonna do? Get Nick Cannon and Sean William Scott to take over? That's a one-way ticket to the discount bin at Blockbuster.

THR has more on the story right....here.

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Jake Gyllenhall as The Prince of Persia!

So yeah, it's a little hard buying into Jake Gyllenballs as The Prince of Persia who is decidedly UNcaucasian, but I'm willing to look past that. Why? Because the video game was awesome, and everything I've seen on the film so far looks equally impressive. CBR got a chance to talk to producer Jerry Brucheimer during a preview of the film's trailer and came away with a couple images and some new info.

Essentially, the trailer introduces the film's premise. The Prince finds a special dagger that allows him to "rewind" time. Accompanied by a mysterious princess, he must deliver the dagger to a place of safety. The trailer is described as being very much in the same vein as Pirates of the Caribbean, which to me is a big red flag. I'm all for action comedy, but those movies never much appealed to me until the last one. There is said to be tons of action, with lots of shots of Gyllenballs leaping from walls and so forth. The Prince of Persia is set to be released on Memorial Day, 2010. Check out the below images and let us know what you think!

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The List! 10/30/09

A couple of weeks ago, I was interviewed by the Washington Post's Jen Chaney on the phenomenon that was Paranormal Activity. I had mentioned how the Demand It option was a game changer, because it put control of a film's release in the hands of the public. As is usually the case, when asked about other movies that I didn't have the opportunity to see because they never came out in the DC Metro area, my mind went emptier than Tara Reid's during a calculus quiz. Too bad I wasn't asked that question this week, because there are three movies that I'm not going to be able to put on The List: Gentleman Broncos by the writers of Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre(two movies I dislike intensely but still...). Next is Boondock Saints II: All Saint's Day. Third, is The House of the Devil, a horror film that has been gaining tons of festival buzz the last few weeks.Unacceptable that I should have to roll out to another state to see a damn movie. Wouldn't be the first time, but it's not like I live in Deliverance, WV or something.



Everybody knows I have zero interest in Michael Jackson. Even less interest in his music. And if it's possible to have negative interest in something it'd be a series of rehearsals for a concert featuring his music. However, since the Gloved One seems to have scared off all other movie competition from beyond the grave, my options this week are limited. I guess I could have fun with it and view it as some sort of deranged horror movie with the lead baddie lulling his victims into a tap dancy demise, but I doubt the payoff would be fulfilling. Most of you probably have seen the movie already, considering it's pretty much moon walked over the competition all week. I'm sick of being asked my opinion of it, combined with a lack of suitable options make this the lead dog.



A coming of age story based on a memoir about a young British girl(Carey Mulligan) who gets swept up in a whirlwind relationship with an older, adventurous man(Peter Saarsgard)? Doesn't really sound like something you'd expect out of the guy who brought us High Fidelity, About a Boy, and Fever Pitch, does it? My second favorite writer, Nick Hornby, did indeed tackle the screenplay for this film, so I'm curious to see him tackle the fairer sex for once.



What is this? Three weeks that this has been on the list? There ain't gonna be a better time than now for me to watch a bunch of gorgeous New York yuppies fawning all over eachother while car horns blare in the background. We all know that's what this is going to be, because that's what all New York based movies are. If aliens invaded Earth and were shown nothing but movies based in NYC they'd swear taxi cabs were the dominant life form.

No...no...a thousand times no...

Hm, nothing truly repulsive came out this week. Good job not pushing any of my buttons this week, Hollywood.

Three movies? That's it? Well, there is a silver lining. I'll be catching Richard Kelly's The Box on Thursday night, which I hope is a damn sight better than Donnie Darko and Southland Tales. All it needs to surpass those two pock marks is to make rational sense. That's all. I want to be able to watch it, contemplate it, and understand it in my head. That's not too much to ask for, is it?

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Theron, Hardy to go Beyond Thunderdome

Despite tweeting that I couldn't have less interest in Mad Max 4 and wouldn't waste my time writing about it, here I am anyway. And the only reason I'm doing it is because we have more of a confirmation of the film's stars now, when the last two weeks have been little more than speculation. Now it looks as if we can count on the smokin' hot Charlize Theron to play the love interest to Tom Hardy's Mad Max Rockatansky. Who the hell is Tom Hardy, you ask? The only thing I recall seeing him in was Rocknrolla, in which he played Handsome Bob, a part that he absolutely nailed.

The lastest Mad Max, titled Fury Road, will take place shortly after Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, in order to keep the title character young. Mel Gibson was formerly attatched to the George Miller helmed project, but has since dropped out. A shoot is scheduled sometime next summer.

Like I said, I'm not excited. I never got into Mad Max the way others did, and Beyond Thunderdome is borderline unwatchable for me. But I'll pretty much watch anything with Charlize Theron in it, and I think Tom Hardy has the chops to do the role some serious justice. So we'll see how it shakes out.

THR has more on the story here.

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Anthony Hopkins Joins THOR!

Ok, so the Jude Law/Robert Deniro stuff was a hoax, but this one is all legit, baby. Variety is reporting that Anthony Hopkins has signed on to play the role of Odin in Marvel's upcoming superhero film, Thor. Odin is the father of both Thor and the trickster god, Loki.

The Kenneth Branagh directed pic has taken on quite a Shakespearian tone since it was first introduced, and Hopkins fits that perfectly. Then again, I thought he'd be good in Alexander, too, yet he sleepwalked through that role so bad he could've been endorsed by Ambien™. Still, Thor is shaping up to be the most impressive Marvel comics film yet.

Chris Hemsworth(Star Trek) is tackling the role of the Thunder God; Natalie Portman as his love interest Jane Foster; and Tom Hiddleston as Thor's evil brother, Loki. Thor is set to be released on May 20, 2011.

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Review: Saw VI --John's Take

Another Halloween, another game to play. I don’t think that was the tagline of the movie; however they may as well have used it. To say that Lions gate is just churning these flicks out now on a time and not a creative basis would not be far off the mark, as this franchise has been sacrificed for the sake of a yearly box office payout. Let’s just get to the “story” and I’ll get to the problems with this movie afterwards. This time around we follow Jigsaw’s supposed successor Detective Hoffman as he sets a game into motion pitting William Easton, a scummy medical insurance executive, against four tests of his will to live and judgment in letting others live. While Easton is completing Jigsaw’s (Hoffman’s) tests, the jigsaw killer himself must evade the FBI and work with the original Jigsaws wife in order to complete OG Jigsaw, John Cramer’s, will. Confused yet? Don’t feel bad, it’s worse in the theater.

I’ll start with what I liked. Honestly the games were good, I really thought this one trick pony would wean on me long ago but dammit if those torture devices aren’t pretty darn entertaining. They keep the creativity coming with more and more elaborate devices, remember Saw 1 when the only device was a hacksaw and a chain? Well as we know from the previous films those days are long gone as we have devices here that an engineer would salivate over, intricate devices of death aplenty. The gore is top notch as well, for those who are into that sort of thing, personally I think the gore should serve as the accentuation and not the subject but if what you’re looking for is gore, Saw VI serves up a’ plenty. The opening scene is pretty bad ass and what the entire movie should’ve been like if you ask me. The film opens with two “Financial predators”; each has a headset that will screw into their brains if they lose. How do they win? By hacking off more flesh than the other can in 1 minute. That’s what Saw was supposed to be all about, someone against a clock with their life on the line doing things no one could ever imagine having to do, like hack off their own beer gut.
 
Now onto the not so happy side of this review, the shit I couldn’t stand. That’s how much I hated everything not mentioned above, it’s not stuff I didn’t like, it’s straight up shit I COUL D NOT STAND. Now those who read my reviews know that I am adamant about not getting into acting/dialogue details with this type of movie. That being said, I can’t help but to point out how God damned horrific (and not in the intended way), the acting was in this flick, I’ve seen more believable stuff on ‘Guiding Light’….err…not that I watch ‘Guiding Light’ or anything…anyway. Hoffman, John Cramer’s successor to the Jigsaw mantel is awful, I mean really bad, his look, his acting, and his general demeanor ruins the movie. This guy seems like the type that should be the villain’s henchman in an early 90’s B-Movie ala ‘3 Ninjas’, not headlining one of the most successful horror franchises in history. Thankfully Tobin Bell still plays a big part in flashbacks or this thing would be unwatchable. Yet, even with Bell knocking the jigsaw role out of the park the entire storyline outside of the game itself is boring, confusing, and generally unentertaining. You literally have to watch the past 4 Saw films to understand all that’s going on, they harken back to things like it’s a weekly series not realizing that most people haven’t seen the last one in a year and the others in even longer than that. So the side storyline sucks, that means the game must’ve been pretty good, right? WRONG! The game itself is fine, as I said earlier neat traps pretty cool situations but the main problem is the contestant William Easton. This is a guy that you want to kill yourself the second you see him, they make no attempt to let you feel for this guy or even want him to win. In the previous movies you’d have people that messed up their lives in some way but other than that were good, well meaning people. This guy is just a gigantic doucher and they make sure you know that from step one, this flick totally takes Jigsaw’s almost (NOTE: ALMOST) understandable line of thinking, that his game is making people appreciate their lives, and turns it into a revenge story. Even the “twist” ending is bad, even though you do have that ‘OHHHH’ moment you’re so lost in the crap of the side story to really have it hit you, that and the characters involved in the twist are probably two of the worst actors I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing.

So there ya go…Saw 6 is crap. I’m really let down by this, as I thought Saw 5 would be a great setup movie, they just don’t deliver and stand only to set more up. That’s the thing about a setup, at some point you have to have a payoff you can’t just keep getting yourself ready for next Halloween. There really is no reason to see this movie, if you want a scare go see ‘Paranormal Activity’ or rent ‘Trick R Treat’ both great movies to get you in the Halloween spirit. Saw 6 just leaves you feeling dirty and betrayed and has no completely redeeming qualities. Don’t see this in theaters, don’t rent this, and for God’s sake when it comes on HBO turn the freaking channel.

1/10

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Sin City 2 in 2010?

The news on Sin City 2 continues to trickle in but this is probably the most concrete info we've received in some time. Mania.com scored an interview with producer Stephen L'Heureux, who confirmed that the film will begin shooting in the latter half of 2010. He also confirmed there has already been discussion of Sin City 3. That's the good news.

The questionable news is that unlike the previous Sin City, the sequel will not be based on any of the Frank Miller graphic novels, but will instead be an original script by Miller himself. It was expected that Miller's "A Dame to Kill For" would be the core story used for the sequel, but obviously that's no longer the case.

The reason this is questionable is because Miller's track record with screenplays is spotty. His most recent foray gave us the crapfest, The Spirit, late last year. I'll be generous, though, because The Spirit was not an original Miller creation, and he is considerably more familiar with the world of Sin City obviously. Frankly, I'm excited over any news on the film. Sin City was one of my favorite movies of 2005 and continues to hold up every time I check it out.

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Monsters vs. Aliens 2? Katzenberg says "No"

Despite the fact that Monsters vs. Aliens grossed $200M here in the States and has sold like hotcakes since it's release on DVD only a few short weeks ago, Dreamworks apparently has no plans to release a sequel. Ok, now I hate pointless sequels as much as the next guy, but this is one case where it makes perfect sense. Apparently the film didn't perform so well overseas, a fact which has Dreamworks accounting department shaking in their boots. Speaking at a conference, Jeffrey Katzenberg had this to say...

I’d like to tell you there’s a perfectly rational, clear and easy answer as to why not, but there isn’t. There was enough of a consensus from our distribution and marketing folks in certain parts of the world that we would be pushing a boulder up a hill.

I understand that Dreamworks has been taking sort of a beating lately, but that's no reason to curtail future plans with one of your few moneymaking franchises. What bugs me more is this seeming over reliance on the foreign market. Is it no longer possible to pull a profit simply through domestic grosses, or has the exorbitant costs of making these films killed that notion? My guess is that Katzenberg is being overly cautious, and that we will see a Monsters vs. Aliens sequel at some point.

BTW, I watched about half that MvA Halloween special last night on NBC and realized just how much I really dig the characters. There's no way that's the last we're going to see of them.

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WTF of the day: Boondock II not getting wide release

While I can't say that I'm fully suprised that Troy Duffy's follow up to the amazing cult hit 'The Boondock Saint's' is no getting a wide release, I'm sick by how few places are getting it. Basically if you're not in New England or California you're screwed. The closest to us here in the DC area is Philly so it looks like this Punch Drunk critic is taking a road trip this weekend. However there is hope, you can demand the flick ala 'Paranormal Activity' and hope that they widen the release. This is just so stupid to me, however I am now holding out hope that it will be released through Comcast the same day as theaters so that I can watch it at my house...tho this will not be the same. Here's the current listing of

City, State Theater Address Zip Code
Boston, MA Boston Commons 19 175 Tremont Street 02111
Revere, MA Showcase Cinemas Revere 20 565 Squire Rd. 02151-1866
Bellingham, MA Bellingham 14 259 Hartford Ave. 02019
Dedham, MA Showcase Cinema de Lux Legacy Place 670 Legacy Place 02026
Randolph, MA Showcase Cinemas Randolph 16 73 Mazzeo Dr. 02368
Foxboro, MA Showcase Cinema De Lux Patriot Palce 14 24 Patriot Place 02035
Cambridge, MA Kendall Square Cinema 1 Kendall Square, Bldg. 1900 02139
Framingham, MA Framingham 15 22 Flutie Pass 01701
Lowell, MA Showcase Cinemas Lowell 14 32 Reiss Ave. 01853
Marlborough, MA Hoyts Cinemas Solomon Pond Mall 15 591 Donald Lynch Blvd. 01752
Woburn, MA Showcase Woburn 14 25 Middlesex Canal Parkway 01801-2201
Danvers, MA Liberty Tree Mall 20 100 Independence Way 01923
Methuen, MA AMC Methuen 20 90 Pleasant Valley Street 01844
Kingston, MA Independence Mall 14 101 INDEPENDENCE MALL WAY 02364
Worcester, MA Showcase Worcester N 18 135 Brooks St. 01606
Providence, RI Providence Place 16 Providence Place Mall 02903
Lincoln, RI Lincoln Mall 16 622 George Washington Hwy 02865
Seekonk, MA Showcase Cinemas Seekonk Route 6 100 Commerce Way 02771
Warwick, RI Showcase Cinemas Warwick 15 1200 Quaker Ln. 02818-1621
Hartford, CT Palace 17 & Odyssey 330 New Park Ave. 06106
Manchester, CT Showcase Cinemas Buckland Hills 16 99 Red Stone Rd. 06045
Plainville, CT Plainville 20 220 New Britain Road 06062
New York, NY Empire 25 Theaters 234 West 42nd Street 10036
New York, NY 84th Street 6 2310 Broadway 10024
New York, NY Union Square Stadium 14 850 Broadway 10003
Astoria, NY Kaufman Astoria Stadium 14 3530 38th Stree. 11101
Brooklyn, NY Court Street Stadium 12 108 Court Street 11201
Brooklyn, NY Sheepshead Bay 14 3907 Shore Parkway 11235
Staten Island, NY All Staten Island Stadium 16 2474 Forest Avenue 10303
Farmingdale, NY Farmingdale Stadium 10 20 Michael Ave. 11735
Stony Brook, NY AMC Stony Brook 17 2196 Nesconset Highway 11790
New Rochelle, NY New Roc City 18 33 Le Count Place 10801
West Nyack, NY Palisades Center 21 4403 Palisades Center Drive 10994
Bridgeport, CT Showcase Cinemas Bridgeport 12 286 Canfield Ave. 06605
New Brunswick, NJ New Brunswick 18 17 route 1 08903
South Plainfield, NJ Hadley Theatre 16 1000 Corporate Court 07080
Clifton, NJ Clifton Commons 16 405 Route 3 East 07014
Philadelphia, PA Riverview Plaza 17 1400 S. Delaware Ave. 19147
Bensalem, PA Neshaminy 24 Neshaminy Mall #600 -- 3900 Rockhill Drive 19020
Warrington, PA Warrington Crossing 22 104 Easton Road 18976
Hamilton, NJ Hamilton 24 325 Sloan Ave. 08619
Cherry Hill, NJ Cherry Hill 24 2121 Route 38 08002
Burlington, NJ Burlington 20 250 Bromley Boulevard 08016
Santa Monica, CA Broadway Cinemas 4 1441 3rd St. Promenade 90401
Hollywood, CA ArcLight Hollywood 15 6360 W. Sunset Blvd. 90028-7323
Torrance, CA AMC Del Amo 18 3525 W. Carson St. Space 73 90503
Lakewood, CA Lakewood Center Stadium 16 5200 Faculty Ave. 90712
Long Beach, CA Long Beach Stadium 26 7501 East Carson 90822-2365
Universal City, CA Citywalk Stadium 19 100 Universal City Plaza 91608
Burbank, CA Burbank 16 125 Palm Avenue 91502
Chatsworth, CA Winnetka All Stadium 20 9201 Winnetka Ave. 91311
Covina, CA Covina 30 1414 North Azusa Avenue 91723
Norwalk, CA Norwalk 20 12300 East Civic Center Road 90651
South Gate, CA South Gate 20 Cinema 8630 Garfield Ave 90280
Ontario, CA Ontario Palace 22 Cinemas 4900 East 4th Street 91764
Chino Hills, CA Chino Hills 18 3070 Chino Avenue 91709
Redlands, CA Krikorian Redlands Cinema 14 340 North Eureka Street 92373
Orange, CA Block 30 @ Orange 20 City Boulevard West 92868
Orange, CA Century Stadium 25 Theatre - Orange 1701 West Katella 92668
Brea, CA Brea Stadium 22 Cinemas - East 12 155 West Birch Street 82821
Fullerton, CA Fullerton 20 1001 South Lemon 92632
Huntington Beach, CA Century 20 - Bella Terra 7777 Edinger Avenue 92647
Irvine, CA Irvine Spectrum 21 Megaplex Cinemas 65 Fortune Drive 92618
Aliso Viejo, CA Aliso Viejo Stadium 20 Cinemas 26701 Aliso Creek Road 92656
Foothill Ranch, CA Foothill Towne Center 22 26602 Towne Center Drive 92610

If you're like me you probably dont see a local theater listed here but not to worry Eventful.com has put up a demand page so go here http://eventful.com/performers/the-boondock-saints-ii-all-saints-day-official-/P0-001-000215180-2 and demand it now. Even if you don't have any interest take a min and help a brotha out. Here's the trailer in case you haven't seen it yet.

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Paranormal Activity Alternate Ending!

AICN has posted one of the many alternate endings that Paranormal Activity director Oren Peli shot but decided not to roll with. I'm not gonna waste my time describing it. If you've seen the movie, you'll get it. If not..well, you should've seen the movie by now. Stop being a wuss.

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Framelight Goes All Dystopian with Chi-Chian

Dig this premise: a fairy tale about a dystopian future in which New York has lost it's independence and is now a Japanese prefecture. An ordinary woman is forced to defend her family in this strange world against samurai, zombies, and robots.

I always said if zombies and robots could ever figure out a way to coexist, they'd take over the world!

What the hell? Sounds weird, but that's the story behind Chi-Chian, graphic novel turned animated flash series created by an avant garde musician known as Voltaire. Framelight studios has optioned the rights to the series and will produce it to be a big screen feature. No word yet on a release date.

Voltaire, along with being an accomplished musician is also a professor at the School of Visual Arts in New York, with animation as his specialty. Chi-Chian began life as a 6 issue comic series, which eventually grew to the point where it became a role playing game. He has also written music for Cartoon Network and MTV programs, which I won't hold against him.

I don't know this Voltaire guy or his music. But he named his son Mars, which means he either has a fondness for early Spike Lee characters, candy bar companies, or has a planetary fixation. Whatever his excuse, I like the originality of the plot, so let's hope this thing looks as good as it sounds.

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Coming Soon: New 'Alice in Wonderland' teaser

Last night's SCREAM awards from Spike TV gave us a new trailer for the Tim Burton directed 'Alice in Wonderland', not to much in terms of new footage but it does give us a good feel for the movie. Perhaps I shouldn't use the word good...as it seems to be anything but. For starters the CGI looks horrendous and overused, take a note from 'Where the Wild Things Are' all future movies, use CGI only when absolutely necessary. Secondly this appears to be less of an Alice in Wonderland movie and more of a "how can we get that crazy Johnny Depp on screen again without using Pirates of the Carribean". I'm all for adult themed remakes of the old fairy tales, hell some of the Grimm stories would be downright frightening, this however does not look like it will be a satisfying watch in the least. It used to be with Tim Burton even if the movie sucked you were in for a good visual feast but due to the obvious overuse of CGI it appears we will be robbed of that as well. Take a look at this second trailer and let me know what you think!

Alice in Wonderland - Extended Trailer | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

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Snap Reviews: Amelia; Astro Boy

Amelia


Amelia Earhart was one of the most charismatic, energetic, and spontaneous women ever. Forgetting all her feats as arguably the most famous pilot in this country's history, beyond that she was strong and fiercely loyal, a member of the National Women's Party who fought for equal rights for women in every facet of life. She overcame a very humble upbringing to dominate a field that pretty much only used women as props or gimmicks. Sure, her untimely disappearance is what attracts most people to her story, but she was far more than a pilot and much more interesting than just her demise.

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Check out the sad sad trailer for Smokin' Aces 2: Assassin's Ball

I've made no secret of the fact that I didn't like Smokin' Aces. I loathe it. I hate it with the heat of a thousand suns. It's in my bottom 10 of all-time, wedged somewhere between The Day After Tomorrow and Vanilla Sky. To me it was a poorly realized attempt to make an American Guy Ritchie film, and it neither had the balls out action or the likable characters to achieve that. Joe Carnahan, I wipe my ass with your movie. Ptewie!

But it goes without saying that the film has it's fans. You throw enough big names and big guns out there and people will ignore all common sense(pun intended) in an effort to support it. So was I surprised when it was revealed that a sequel was in the works? Nope. But what I was surprised by was that it was straight to DVD. A look at the cast list reveals almost nobody that you'll care to remember, and it's being directed by PJ Pesce, who has made a career making low budge straight to DVD sequels of bad films with marginal name recognition. The trailer for this potential turd is below. Revel in it's awfulness. And those of you who asked for this? Karma's a bitch.

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Broken Lizard's The Slammin' Salmon gets Release Date

It was way back in January when we first posted the redband trailer for Broken Lizard's latest comedy, The Slammin' Salmon. In that time, apparently the guys who brought you Club Dread and Super Troopers have had a little difficulty finding a distributor. Well, no more. Anchor Bay has picked up the distribution rights to the Michael Clark Duncan starrer, and has targeted December for release.

Slammin' Salmon is the story of a former heavyweight boxing champ(Duncan) turned restaurant owner, who becomes indebtted to the mob. His plan to get out of it? Challenge his staff to sell the most food over the course of a single night. Sound dumb? Yes. But what else did you expect from the guys who brought you Beerfest?

For some reason, I'm looking forward to this. Maybe it's my illogical and irrational need to see just how much torture I can put myself through. More likely it's that I'm willing to sit through anything as long as Michael Clark Duncan is acting a fool in it. Whatever the reason, if it hits anywhere in DC or VA I'll be in line to see this.

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Three Horror Animes to Watch This Halloween

Mania came up with a great top ten Horror Anime list right in time for Halloween. I would have added the following three anime series (or movies) to the list:

1. Vampire Hunter D -

One of the classic vampire animes. It's about a future Earth where vampires are hunted by bounty hunters. One of the bounty hunters is a half vampire/half human breed that is hired to find a girl who has been taken by the vampires, or has she? This is a great movie that everyone should watch.

2. Hellsing -

Vampires, blood, and gore. These are the three reasons that Hellsing is a great horror anime series. The main character Alucard is mysterious and freaky. You are wondering the entire time where he came from, how did he become a vampire, and why is he so powerful. It's definitely one of the horror anime series to watch.

3. Demon City Shinjuku -

I saw this movie this year, and I was shocked that I didn't see it before. The anime is about the battle between good and evil. An unlikely hero has to overcome his insecurities and rise above to fight the evil Rebi Ra to save humanity. It was kind of freaky to have a city overrun my demons, who kill you in the most grotesque ways.

Photos Sources:

Vampire Hunter D - volume 4, originally uploaded by arellis49.

hellsing_5_1024, originally uploaded by edek_z_kredek.

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Luc Besson Unveils his Next Heroine Adventurer

I'm a devout follower of anything Luc Besson does. From the beginning, the French auteur has had a thing for crafting strong, heroic women in his films. Think of his groundbreaking La Femme Nikita, to Natalie Portman in The Professional. Then again there's also the side of Besson that gets a thrill out of casting hot chicks who couldn't act if their lives depended on it. Lately, he's been doing more of the produing/writing thing, so it's good to see him get back behind the camera.

Slashfilm has uncovered news on Besson's next project, The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec, a sortof French globetrotting Lara Croft who investigates the occult political corruption and whatever else strikes her fancy. The series is based on a series of comic strips that were then published as novels in 1976. In typical Luc Besson fashion, the film is set to star former weather girl Louise Bourgoin, for my money one of the hottest women on the planet. She made her American debut in a little film that came out late last year called The Girl from Monaco. Say hello, Ms. Bourgoin!



Besson is reportedly aiming to turn this into an ongoing franchise, so how he plans to adapt each of the novels is still up in the air. Rumors are it could be a trilogy, but nothing seems to be confirmed yet. Whatever his decision, I'll be there to see it. The newly released poster for the film is below, and it's simple and beautiful. Just like I would expect it to be. The film is expected to be released in France in April of next year, so expect a limited domestic rollout a few months later.

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It's Halloween! What to watch? Here's my top 5

We don't normally do lists here at The Punch Drunk Critics but I can't help myself, it's my faviorite time of year and dammit I love to be scared. Now, of course we all know about 'Halloween', 'Friday the 13th', and 'The Exorcist', but what about the horror flicks you haven't heard of? There's so many indie horror films out there that most people just see them as junk, well I'm here to tell you there's some gems out among the junk. So without further ado here's the Top 5 flicks in no particular order that'll freak  you out this Halloween.

1. Hatchet- Just a good old fashioned slasher flick that really captures the feel of what the OG's of the genre were going after. A group of friends heads to the swamplands just outside of New Orleans and ends up getting a little more than a boat tour when they run into Ole' Victor Crowley.

2. Henry: Portrait of  a Serial Killer- Maybe not your typical jump scare type movie, but it'll definitley have you looking at the weird guy on the bus a little closer. The real world look at how this cold blooded killer and his trashy friend go about doing what they do chills you down to your bones if for no other reason than it's something that can really happen and there's really people out there like this.

3. The Orphanage- A supernatural thriller, and one with an actual story....and a good one at that. Not for those who hate dubbed films or subtitles as it's filmed in spanish. This movie would get on the list only for the bag head kid whom the main character's son befriends, however it goes above and beyond that with some great scares and some real emotion. Probably the best ending on the list.

4. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon- Not particularly scary, but will definatley get you in the halloween mood. This flick is documentary style and follows Leslie Vernon, a guy who wants to be the next Jason Voorhees or Freddy Kruger and plans on killing his way to the top of that list. A film crew follows him as he sets up his night of terror and stalks his prey.

5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (THE ORIGINAL)- Yes I know I said I would keep this to movies that most people haven't seen...and you know what I still am. I'm shocked by how few people have actually sat down to watch Tobe Hooper's terrifying tale of a family subsiting on citizen steak. The platinum dunes remake was pretty scary but is NOTHING in comparision to the gritty realism of the original, this was the first movie to make me lose sleep and also the first movie to represent itself as a true story ala Blair Witch and this years Paranormal Activity. If you have not seen this do so immediatley and if your not at least a little scared by the time John Larroquette (Yes the dude from Night Court) finishes his opening monologe than you get the great badge of courage.

And finally the films that I have yet to see but am watching this week. Synopsis courtesy of IMDB.com

1. Trick R Treat- Four interwoven stories that occur on Halloween: An everyday high school principal has a secret life as a serial killer; a college virgin might have just met the one guy for her; a group of teenagers pull a mean prank; a woman who loathes the night has to contend with her holiday-obsessed husband

2. Session 9- Tensions rise within an asbestos cleaning crew as they work in an abandoned mental hospital with a horrific past that seems to be coming back.

3. Asylum- Six college students discover their dorm was once an insane asylum that conducted gruesome lobotomy's on its teenage inmates during the 1930's

4. The originals of the following movies; The Ring (Ringu), The Grudge (Ju-on), and Quarantine ([REC])

So there ya have it. Happy Haunting to all and to all a good night!!

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Paul Blart director to remake Short Circuit? :(

Thanks to the guys over at /Film for hipping me to this game, 'Short Circuit' is due now to get a remake and the director of 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' will be at the helm.

There's your headline, now without getting into how bad Blart actually was despite it's box office gross let's talk about WHY 'Short Circuit' is the poster child for why some movies shouldn't be remade. First and foremost it's a generational movie, the 80's were a time when technology as we know it now was in it's infancy and one could believe that a robot could be built, struck by lighting, and then become "alive". Could anyone believe this in the age of blackberrys and IMac's with more computing power than Johnny 5 had? NO. Simply NO. Ok, they'll update the story, you say. Well, then I say this movie loses ever single bit of charm that it had to begin with...you'll end up with 'I, Robot' sans Will Smith and with friendlier bots. The 80's were an amazing time for cinema, from the rudimentary sfx to the almost innocent way in which things were portrayed...the 80's were for us what the 50's and 60's were for our parents and Johnny number 5 was an icon of that time. Take a movie like 'Commando' and remake it, take something timeless and update it to make it better, don't take something that belongs in another time and strip it of all that makes it good just to bank on a name.

Problem #2: Unless they are going to revive Stevie Guttenbergs career with this movie you are not gonna get a cast like you had before. Say what you want about 'The Goot' but the guy made movies awesome who's gonna fill that role this time and what about Fisher Stevens? Seth Rogen and Kal Penn?? Please, PLEASE NO DISASSEMBLE NUMBER 5!!

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Antichrist

There's something to be said about how strong an effect a film has on you, whether it be positive or negative. Any film that evokes a lasting, memorable change has to in some small way be a success, right? Lars Von Trier's latest controversial film(the latest in a long list of controversies), Antichrist, has struck one helluva chord with me. I can't exactly say that I liked it, but I'll always remember it. What Von Trier has crafted is a grotesque human trial designed to drag each of us to our razor's edge. A polarizing film which will have some people fleeing out of the theatre in disgust and others singing the director's creative genius. Here's what I know for sure:

Never, and I mean never, have I had the cashier guy refuse to sell me a ticket until I took the time to read a disclaimer basically absolving the theatre of any liability in case I go nuts or try to demand my money back or something. I, of course, didn't read it entirely and waved off the cashier who just sorta chuckled. It was weird, to say the least.

I've never had the urge to vomit at any movie in my entire life until this one. So congratulations, Mr. Von Trier. He gets that distinction twice in this film, actually.

Antichrist is broken into 4 chapters, a prologue and epilogue. The prologue features no sound except for the opera playing in the background. Completely in black and white and in slow motion, an eerie snow falling on the ground. We see He(Willem Dafoe) and She(Charlotte Gainsbourg) in the midst of having deep penetrating sex(yes it's graphic). Their infant son in the next room jumps down from his crib. In what I thought was one of the creepiest scenes of the movie, he sees his parents' banging in the next room and turns away with an almost devilish smile. He goes back to his room, sees the snow outside through the window, then quietly slips and falls to his death just as his parents reach climax only a few feet away.

She suffers from a debilitating grief. He, who happens to be a therapist of some sort, treats her casually and coldly, like a doctor. He decides to treat her himself. He decides to force her to confront all of her greatest fears by taking her to the place she fears most, an old cabin they share out in the woods. A place called Eden. There, they discover eachother's true nature. She had been there researching gendercide, and had come to the conclusion that women were inherently evil. She has sex with her husband constantly simple as a means of distracting herself from her pain and grief. He, a domineering presence both mentally and physically, indulges her even though he knows it's basically a conflict of interest. The woods surrounding them seems to exist on another plain entirely, physically warping with their every step. The trees are twisted, almost like a demon's hands reaching out from the ground. The animals are unafraid and their eyes are desolate. A fox disembowels itself right in front of He's eyes. A deer stares blankly, it's unborn calf hanging lifeless from it's rear. This is a place without the grace of God's touch. It is a place where everything is reduced to it's core nature.

He and She show little affection to each other at all. Their presence in Eden only makes it worse. As she continues to despair and give in to what she believes in woman's true nature, she mutiliates him in the most personal way possible, then sexually stimulates him as some sort of crazed experiment.(vomit enducer numero uno!) She hobbles him in a way that puts James Caan's brutal treatment in Misery to shame. It's clear She blames herself and He for allowing their sexual desires to be the murder of their son. Vomit enducer numero dos soon follows, and all I'll say is what she does to herself involves a pair of rusty scissors. Use your imagination. More than a few people left the theatre I was at in disgust after this act. I don't blame them.

I don't blame them, but I wonder what they were expecting. Surely anyone who came to see Antichrist knew going in that it was going to push boundaries. Surely they know who Lars Von Trier is? He is a director that has built his career on shockingly graphic and emotionally intense movies. He knows how to push people's buttons in every conceivable way. In that he is a master of his trade, and there's a reason why he's one of my favorites. So to go in to a film like this and then run away when it becomes too much defeats the purpose of you're going there to begin with. Nobody's walking into Antichrist blind, ok? The shocking sexual brutality within this movie should turn your stomach. That's the point. It's supposed to make you think and want to shield your eyes. That's what Von Trier is looking for.

For me I wanted to see how Dafoe and Gainsbourg translated into Von Trier's harsh minimalist style of filmmaking. Gainsbourg has been near the top of my list since she stole the show from Gael Garcia Bernal in The Science of Sleep. Here, she's no less convincing, in a role that I can't imagine was easy to perform. She spends a vast portion of the film naked, being made love to, and committing other sexual acts that would give most actresses pause. Dafoe is as reliable as ever, and equally willing. They are the only two characters in the movie basically, so the entire thing relied on their level of intimacy and believability in front of the camera.

As I walked out, the cashier asked me what I thought of the movie. My answer: "I wanted to throw up. But it was interesting." That was all I could think to say, still trying to comprehend what I just sat through. Did I like it? I honestly don't know how to answer that. I enjoyed the acting. The story had me compelled, but I certainly don't understand every facet of it. It was a journey, let's put it that way. One I'm glad I survived, yet likely won't sign up for again.

6/10

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Saw VI

Say what you want about the Saw franchise, like that it's mindless torture porn or that it's stretched it's plot thinner than deli ham, but it's always there. It's reliable. Like counting on the Redskins to switch to prevent defense during a close game. It's become a staple of the Halloween season, like splattered pumpkins on the sidewalk on Nov. 1st. I've never been a big fan of Saw. I thought the series blew it's load early, peaking at Saw 2 thanks mostly in part to an impeccable sense of continuity and an uncharacteristically strong lead performance by Donnie Wahlberg. Last year's film was the worst by far, so my expectations for the sixth iteration were low. In fact, I thought it would flat out suck ass, but you know what? I was wrong. Saw VI not only met my expectations, it exceeded them by leaps and bounds, and what was once a dying franchise has managed to cobble together the best film of the series yet.

Saw's biggest draw long ago ceased being the "torture porn" aspect. The only thread that keeps me coming back is the intricate detail that they seem to be going through to connect each film. The continuity of the Saw films is staggering, and me being the continuity geek that I am, I'm in love with it. No line is wasted, no scene is excess. Every single bit matters. Jigsaw's web of death grows here, perhaps the most revealing movie in the series after taking a severe step back last year.

The film opens with two predatory lenders, waking up to find themselves caught up in one of Jigsaw's evil games. The survivor must chop off more flesh than their opponent, and of course the fat guy goes directly for his love handles. Hey, dude, I can sympathize. Unfortunately for him, the girl knows that limbs weigh more than belly blubber, and slices off her own arm for the win! Dude gets his brain drilled. The cops are sent to investigate. Typical day at the office for the cops workin' the Jigsaw beat. You'd think by now, with like a dozen dead cops who were on this case, they'd farm it out to a contractor or something, but nope.

The opening death sets the stage for what is the most topical of the Saw films to date. Jigsaw has evolved from a brutal murderer into an almost likable vigilante, focusing his energies on a personal quest for vengeance on the evildoers who screwed him over. The target this time around is on William Easton, a high level exec at a health insurance firm. He and his cohorts use a probability formula to deny coverage to the people most likely to get sick, basically issuing death sentences with a stroke of a pen. Easton finds himself face to face with a dude in a pig mask, usually a sure sign that you're about to be the next competitor in Jigsaw's amazing race of doom. Meanwhile, Lt. Mark Hoffman(Costas Mandylor) continues to elude capture as he continues original Jigsaw's(Tobin Bell) legacy. Also, the box Jigsaw left his wife at the end of the last film comes into the forefront.

The plot of Saw isn't worth delving in much further. It's far too intricate and wide for me to even really begin. They all follow the same familiar formula, but what struck me this time was how personal this was. Who would've thought that Jigsaw would be just a regular old victim of this country's flawed healthcare system just like you and me? I wonder if he'd want a public option? Nah, he's probably a single payer guy. But how good did it feel watching these money grubbing, murdering health insurance flunkies getting the same treatment we've been getting from them, only up close and personal? Oh, it was lovely. I bet Michael Moore was watching and chuckling the whole time. They should show this film on the Senate floor. Maybe it'll help grow Harry Reid a spine.

There's something to be said about Tobin Bell's performance as the original Jigsaw John Kramer, in that he is both pitiful and menacing at the same time. Even as he's literally groveling for the health insurance agency to approve him for an experimental treatment for his cancer, there's a darkness just underneath that you're just waiting to erupt, yet it never does. Bell manages to terrify with the most casual of statements, mainly because we know sooner or later it will all come to pass. The rest of the cast(featuring the son from Family Matters!!! What the...??) is throwaway. This is Jigsaw's show, and he more than brings it home.

Those looking for scares might want to turn to Paranormal Activity(or for my money, Antichrist) for some real freak out material. There's a pretty gnarly bit at the beginning, but as has been the general rule with Saw lately, it's less focused on gore than on deaths that move the story forward. It's a change that I have been mostly pleased with. One of my biggest problems is that often times it seems as if they are rushing through kills in order to move on to the next one. In that sense the formula that's been established backfires. One of the things I did like from the first two movies was the air of mystery surrounding why these particular people were chosen. Some of that has been lost thanks to the curtain being lifted so much on Jigsaw's past.

While little has changed after six films, Saw has managed to shed enough of it's baggage to begin exploring new facets of the Jigsaw puzzle. I'm genuinely curious to see where it goes from here, something I've never been able to say before.

7/10

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True Grit Looks to add Damon, Brolin

Just last month it was announced that the Coen Brothers and Jeff "The Dude" Bridges would be reuniting to remake the John Wayne classic, True Grit. Bridges is signed on to take the lead role of US Marshall Rooster Cogburn, but little else was known at the time. Now comes some news that has me more amped than ever. Matt Damon and Josh Brolin are in talks to join the cast of the western. Damon is up for the role of Cogburn's partner, who assists him in tracking the killer of a 14 year old girl's father. Brolin will likely play the killer.

True Grit is set to begin production in March with hopes of a release late 2010.

Good news? Nah. Great news. If No Country for Old Men showed us anything it's that the Coens can handle this type of material, in my opinion far better than they can handle stuff like Burn After Reading or A Serious Man. I'm not knocking those films, but I have a preference when it comes to the Coens, and I prefer their grittier stuff to their comedy.

Variety has more on the story here.

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The Rock, Samuel L. Jackson on the Set of The Other Guys!

Is there a cooler cop pairing in film history than Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson? Seriously. Think of a better one. I double dog dare ya! You can't do it, can you? They're so cool it might freeze up the celluloid. Admittedly I've paid little attention to the goings on with Adam McKay's new crime comedy, The Other Guys, but that ends now. Check out the cast:

Mark Wahlberg
Will Ferrell
The Rock
Samuel L. Jackson
Eva Mendes
Steve Coogan
Michael Keaton
Ray "Punisher War Zone" Stevenson

That's insane. Collider has some shots featuring Jackson and The Rock, which all look amazing. Check 'em out, get hyped.

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Deniro and Law Rumors Get Nailed by Big Ass Hammer

Remember last week when everybody(including us) was going ape-crap over the possibility of Robert Deniro and Jude Law joining the cast of Marvel's upcoming Thor film? Fuhgeddabout. It ain't happenin', according to Gossip Cop. A rep for Jude Law is quoted as saying the rumors are "not true" flat out.

That's too bad. The last time I got to hear Deniro go an entire movie struggling with a bad accent was in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, so you know I was dyin' to hear his Norwegian.

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Top Shelf at the Box Office!

So I'll toot my own horn just a little bit. I'm sure you'll allow me that pleasure. I'm so rarely right when it comes to analyzing box office trends that when I finally nail one I'm going to bloviate about it. I predicted last week(ok, mildly hinted) that I thought Paranormal Activity would beat out Saw VI because it's more of a scarey, jump out of your seat flick, which is what people really want to see this time of year. Watching someone chomp their own arm off isn't scary. It's just gross. So I was right. Nah na nah nah.

1. Paranormal Activity- $22M/$62.5M

Well surprise surprise. Who's got the big bat now, boys? The little movie that could dulled Saw's blade this week, expanding to well over 2,500 screens. At this point I've been talking about this film so much that I feel like there's not much left to say, but I'm expecting perhaps one more week at the top of the charts due to the fact that Halloween is still a few days away and people will still be gathering in large groups to see it. Or...is it possible that everyone who avoided Saw VI last weekend will make up for it this week? Only time will tell.

2. Saw VI- $14.8M

Jigsaw's been dead for like four years, and yet he still lives on somehow through flashback, but this is the deadest he's felt in quite some time. The usually reliable Saw series debuted with it's weakest opening ever in the face of some stiff competition in a similar genre. The general trend for Saw is that it debuts very strong then quickly fades out, but one has to wonder if this opening spells the end of the line. At this point, Saw has exceeded the typical shelflife for a horror series by atleast three years, and while I would consider this to be arguably the best film of the bunch maybe people have finally grown tired of Jigsaw's puzzles and are ready for something different.

3. Where the Wild Things Are- $14.4M/$54M

Ouch! Somebody took more than just a bite out of Catherine Keener's shoulder and chomped a helluva lot out of the box office as well. Tumbling a massive 56%, Spike Jonze's monster fest is looking less like the juggernaut I thought it would be and is angling on a major financial disappointment. I still think it will have quite a bit of staying power on the chart, based on generally positive word of mouth and rather slim choices in the "family friendly" category.

4. Law Abiding Citizen- $12.7M/$40.3M

Revenge is always reliable motivating factor, and this week it motivated enough people that the Gerard Butler revenge thriller only dropped 40%.

5. Couples Retreat- $11.1M/$78.2M

Despite awful reviews and a general lack of comedy, people are still turning up to watch Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn perfectly portray shells of their former selves.

6. Astro Boy- $7.02M

I hate to see Astro Boy treated this way. He's so cute and cuddly with that little peak in his hair. And by "treated this way" I mean by the filmmakers, who apparently couldn't wrangle a coherent story out of a simple premise. So it only makes sense that the animated sci-fi flick about a robot boy with guns shooting out of his arse got off to a subpar debut.

7. The Stepfather- $6.5M/$20.4M

Never underestimate the staying power of a good guilty pleasure flick. Just look at how long Obsessed hung around the Top 10 awhile back. At $6.5M, that's approximately $1M for every time we see Amber Heard in nothing but her bathing suit. Reason enough for any red blooded American male to buy a ticket.

8. Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant- $6.35M

This one had DOA written all over it. Looking like a mish-mash of various "hot" genres with little to no focus on what the story was actually about, the film failed to appeal to any audience in particular. Vampire fiends probably aren't all that interesed in John C. Reilly as a lead vamp; and the relatively unknown main character probably couldn't be picked out of a police line-up. It seemed to be banking on it's weirdness to get over, such as seeing Salma Hayek with a beard. Interesting, but I like my Ms. Hayek scantily clad and decidedly beard-free. Something like this...


9. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs- $5.6M/$115M

10. Zombieland- $4.3M/$67.3M

Time to nut up or shut up, or you're out of the Top 10!

Hilary Swank's Amelia Earhart biopic, Amelia, failed to take off as it brought in only $4M. The real story for me is the piddling number of sites it was playing at, a woeful 818 theatres. I think I could get more theatres than that to show my home movies to, and yet an Oscar winner in a film that's being talked about as a possible Oscar contender can't even crack 1,000. That's absurd.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra just cracked the $150M mark. Yes, it's still playing in theatres somewhere.

Apparently I'm not the only one with a twisted mind, because Lars Von Trier's Antichrist got off to a devilish good start, bringing in $73,500 in only 6 theatres. That's a per site average of over $12,000.

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4th & Short: 10/25/09

It's Sunday and time for another 4th and Short, my 3 picks for the best movies in theatres right now and my DVD pick of the week. I'm actually just getting back from seeing Astro Boy, and while it's not going to be included here I think it's a good kid friendly flick. Not too violent(mostly comic violence among robots), and the themes are simple enough for kids to understand I think. Then again I'm a childless loser, so take that with a grain of salt!

3. Paranormal Activity

It's Halloween, so it's hard not to put the scariest film of the year on the list. According to the numbers, Paranormal Activity is slugging it out with the reliable Saw franchise for top grosser this weekend, but that's not what's important. Gather a group of your buddies, pick the latest showing you can find, and go get your shorts filled up by one of the creepiest movies in years.

2. Saw VI

The venerable old Saw franchise returns to it's roots, presenting a twisted tale of vigilante justice and...pre-existing conditions? By far the most complete film of the series, the Jigsaw killer has never been more terrifying or as interesting as he is here, as even more of the story behind is bloody quest for retribution is revealed. Perfect for the Halloween season, and by far my favorite of the Saw films yet.

1. Where the Wild Things Are

It's simply the best movie out, and will be for quite some time. Spike Jonze's gorgeous adaptation is exactly what the doctor ordered if you're not into watching people posessed by demons or cutting out chunks of their flesh. The harshest thing you'll see here is Catherine Keener getting bit on the shoulder by a 12 year old.

DVD Pick: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles(1987)

Forget about the giant robot movie that came out this week, and take a look back 22 years at one of the best movies ever made. John Hughes' first real foray into an "adult" comedy when he had been labeled as little more than a writer of teen angst is probably the strongest effort of his storied career. Starring two comedy legends, Steve Martin and John Candy, as a pair of mismatched guys making the world's worst road trip in order to make it home in time for Thanksgiving. Sounds simple, but the performances by Martin and Candy are flawless and the script is deceptively deep and emotional. The film has been out on DVD for awhile, but this brand new "Those Aren't Pillows" edition comes with a featurette on the life and career of the late great John Candy. Worth every penny and should be on every movie lover's DVD shelf.

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1st Real Look at The A-Team!

Slashfilm was sent the first real image we've seen of the entire A-Team by one of it's readers. How he got it, I got no friggin' clue. But we finally get a chance to see how everyone looks in their role. The first thing that jumped out to me was Liam Neeson as Hannibal. He's got the cigar chomping bit down and looks to fit the part better than I would have expected. I still got some issues with Rampage Jackson's look, but it's far better than the image we saw a couple weeks back. Sharlto Copeley(District 9) and Bradley Cooper I'm diggin' too. Cooper really seems to be at the forefront in this image. I'm betting he takes a larger role than his Faceman character typically did. We shall see. Looks good, though.

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Good Hair

Ya'll women are crazy. Nah, I'm serious. My first reaction after watching Chris Rock's documentary on the insane lengths black women go through for some "good hair" was that all black women are as screwed up as I long suspected. But that's not really fair. All women go a bit out to left field over their hair. As famed poet Maya Angelou so succinctly puts it "A woman's hair is her glory". Hey, I consider my DVD collection to be my glory, and I know how fanatical I am about that so I guess I can relate in some weird way.

Rock's quest for answers is spurred mostly by his two young daughters. Questioning him on why they don't have the aforementioned "good hair", Rock goes out to find out exactly what that is and how women achieve it. In the process of seeking answers, Rock interviews a number of hot, attractive African-American women....and Raven Symone. Meghan Good, Lauren London, my crush Tracie Thoms, and even a few dudes including Ice-T are more than willing to spill their guts on their own hair stories. Rock, for his part, is an avid listener but I found him to be less inquisitive than a documentarian needs to be. He seems perfectly content to sit back and watch the proceedings, lobbing in the occasional joke or shooting a skeptical eye towards us when nobody's looking.

He discovers that what women go through to straighten their hair is a brutal, dangerous, and pocketbook draining process. Using a variety of chemicals that are shown to eat through soda cans(!!!) courtesy of a Mr. Wizard-type experiment, it'd be hard to fathom that any woman could consider this a good idea. And yet very few of the women presented in the film actually decry the practice. I've heard the horror stories from other women in my life, but seeing the possibly scarring results on screen makes it all the more clear. If it burns through aluminum, what's it doing on your friggin' scalp? Pep from famous rap girl duo Salt 'n Pepa, had the side of her dome burned while getting her hair done, which led to the lopsided hairstyle she sports in their earliest videos. I remember hearing that story when I was young but this was the first time I'd seen her speak of it.

For some of these same women, the preferred route to attaining good hair is through weaves or extensions. Weaves are always a funny topic amongst African-Americans, usually in the most negative sense. Rock's curiosity on the subject of weaves takes him to India, where most of the hair used comes from. He discovers that a lot of it is stolen right off of women's heads as they sleep; but more often than not it is given and sold freely as a means of financial support. The hair industry there is bigger than gold and far more lucrative. We are shown a number of people, willingly shaving their own heads for free as part of religious ceremony, not realzing that their long locks are then swept up and sold to the highest bidder so it can dangle from Beyonce's skull.

While Rock mostly speaks to the women, I found it far more interesting listening to the male perspective...obviously. Being that I was the only dude in the theatre amongst a group of cackling women, I was the only one who laughed with recognition as Ice-T and a few others told their stories of dating women with expensive hair weaves. Word to the wise: If you're a dude and you're having sex with your girl and her hair costs as much as your flat screen TV, just keep your hands on her hips or something. Hair pulling is not an option unless you want an embarassing accident to take place. Chris Rock does at one point raise an interesting theory, one that I wish he had spent more time investigating: With African-American women spending so much on their hair, rendering it basically untouchable by any man they are with, does that in some way diminish intimacy? I love running my fingers through my girl's hair, and don't want to feel like a stranger in an unknown land when I do. It's how most of us guys show our affection outwardly. If you can't touch your woman, then what's the friggin' point?

The film wraps itself around the Bronner Hair Show that takes place in Atlanta, GA every year. It's a ridiculous spectacle where the supposed best hair stylists go to compete against eachother. The contestants might as well be cartoon characters, and their acts should involve a big top and a clown car. The show's glitz is all part and parcel of what is an industry that is worth upwards of $9 billion. That's ridiculous. Rock clearly wants to say it, but he's too much of a nice guy to really do it. Everybody should save their money and just do what people have done for decades when they don't like their hair.

Wear a hat.

6/10

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Coming Soon: 'Season of the Witch' starring Nicolas Cage

Just in time for Halloween we have the trailer for Nic Cages new flick 'Season of the Witch', which aside from the supernatural aspect the synopsis seems alot like In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale...hell it even has Ron Pearlman! However it looks like something wholly different freaky to a T. I dig period action flicks, and we all know how much I dig the supernatural so I'll give it a go and make my judgement then. Here's the official synopsis:

In the supernatural thriller Season of the Witch, Nicolas Cage stars as a 14th century Crusader who returns with his comrade (Ron Perlman) to a homeland devastated by the Black Plague. A beleaguered church, deeming sorcery the culprit of the plague, commands the two knights to transport an accused witch (Claire Foy) to a remote abbey, where monks will perform a ritual in hopes of ending the pestilence.

A priest (Stephen Campbell Moore), a grieving knight (Ulrich Thomsen), an itinerant swindler (Stephen Graham) and a headstrong youth who can only dream of becoming a knight (Robert Sheehan) join a mission troubled by mythically hostile wilderness and fierce contention over the fate of the girl.

When the embattled party arrives at the abbey, a horrific discovery jeopardizes the knight's pledge to ensure the girl fair treatment, and pits them against an inexplicably powerful and destructive force.

Check out the trailer below and let us know what you think.

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The List! 10/23/09

No less than 7 movies comprise The List this week, so the chances of me seeing them all are zero. This being the week where the Halloween movies make their grand debut, Paranormal Activity continues to expand to challenge perennial champion Saw's horror throne. I could care less. The movie I've been waiting literally all year for is finally out, and I'll be damned if I see anything before I see it.



I'm sure it says tons about me that the film I've been dying to see most is called Antichrist, and reportedly is one of the most intense, mysogenistic, brutal films in recent memory. Consider that the opening scene is of a child falling to it's death while the parents have sex nearby. Not for the kiddies, no. At the Cannes film festival, the film was greeted with a polarizing response, as is typically the case with movies like this. But for me, I'm a devoted follower of anything Lars Von Trier does. His Breaking the Waves back in 1996 is still one of the most haunting films I've ever seen, and whether or not everything he's done since has been good(it hasn't) it's always interesting. I can't for the life of me tell you what Antichrist is about, but it does star Willem Dafoe and one of my secret crushes, Charlotte Gainsbourg. As you might expect, it ain't playin' everywhere. Right now you can find it at Landmark E Street in the DC/Metro area.



She ain't got nothin' on Amy Adams' Amelia Earhart, let's just get that outta the way right now. Hilary Swank doesn't fill out a pair of tight pants the way Adams does, so right away this movie's starting at a disadvantage. However, Swank's wind swept hair and wide crooked smile are a dead ringer for the trailblazing aviator. Not to mention the almost storybook look of the film(is there a gust of wing blowing in every panel?) can be attributed to director Mira Nair(The Namesake, Vanity Fair) who is quickly becoming one of my favorites. For a major studio effort, this is getting a pretty paltry release, set somewhere at around 800 theatres. What's up with that? Consider this the first of the real Oscar contenders to hit this year.



Considered the first real Japanese anime series, Astro Boy has been around for nearly 60 years. I've watched some of the animes, but never really got all that into it. Probably because Astro Boy has been copied by so many that I grew tired of the concept. However, this new 3-D computer animated version has been looking good since the first images released nearly a year ago. Featuring the voices of Freddie Highmore and Kristen Bell, it tells the story of a robot boy with numerous powers built by a scientist in the image of his dead son. Astro Boy, in an attempt to find real acceptance, goes out into the world in hopes of earning his "father's" respect. Pretty simple concept, gorgeous art design, and some serious voice talent should make this one of the most enjoyable "kid" films of the year. I'm not all that sold on this being a huge success financially, though.



On the other hand, Saw VI will undoubtedly reap it's usual rewards, although competition is slightly stiffer this year with Paranormal Activity freaking people out across the country. Saw usually benefits from the Halloween season to bolster it's numbers, but consider that that the franchise is less scary than it is disturbing. There are no real shocks to be found, which I think are what people look for in a Halloween season film. With that said, Saw has become such a staple of the October month that it's hard to see it faltering now. I'm on record as stating that I've hated every single Saw film with the exception of part 2 which was the last one to actually give a crap about a plot. This one is rumored to be going back to the film's roots a little bit by bringing back Cary Elwes's character, who I'm guessing hasn't won any ass kicking contests lately. What lies in store for him (friend or foe?) is anybody's guess. I'll be there to see it, though, likely hating myself the whole time.

If there's time...



It looks stupid. And the fact that it's been on the shelf so long is troubling. Also, director Paul Weitz(American Dreamz) is spotty at best when not working alongside his brother, Chris. But the cast is phenomenal, so there must be something to the material that attracted them. John C. Reilly, Salma Hayek, Willem Dafoe, Ken Watanabe...this thing is an acting Murderer's Row. The idea of vampirs, werewolves, dog faced boys, and whatever else hanging out at a traveling circus sounds dumb, but could be fun if handled right.



I balked at the opportunity to see this yesterday, worried that I'd be spending 2 crucial hours watching beautiful people angst about love in a city I can't really stand to be in. Nothing's really changed. I still have that same fear. However I did manage to sit through this film's predecessor, Paris Je'Taime, and came away mostly unscathed. Y'know what really scared me off? That one scene in the trailer with Drea De Matteo and James Caan. I'm sorry, but I find her to be the most aggravatingly unreal actress ever. It seems like any film that's shot in New York, and you need someone with an authentic Brooklyn accent(and a weird nose and slits for eyes) you turn to her. Maybe I'll use that segment of the film to take a smoke break. Crap, I don't smoke.

No...no....a thousand times no....



Maybe on any other week I could find time for a movie like this. I'm a big fan of Michael Sheen(The Queen, Frost/Nixon) and Jim Broadbent, but movies about soccer tend to bore the piss out of me. Unless they involve Elija Wood and Charlie Hunnan in brutal combat with rival football clubs(Green Street Hooligans) then I'm probably gonna keep a safe distance. Then again I did dig Bend It Like Beckham, but I don't see Keira Knightley in little soccer shorts anywhere in this film so....

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