If it were possible for WWE Smackdown and Grand Theft Auto to mate, Crank: High Voltage would be the flaming, bacon wrapped spawn they'd produce. Little more than a bevy of weird ideas thrown against a wall and not worrying about whether they stick, Crank isn't a film that should be seen, it needs to be experienced. And not experienced by just anyone. If you didn't enjoy the first Crank, in which Chev Chelios races around town fighting off a lethal Chinese poison in his system, then you probably won't like this one either. Did I fail to mention that Chev plummeted hundreds of feet to his death at the end of that one? Well, in what I guess is now typical Crank fashion, he was literally scraped off the pavement and rushed away to have his organs harvested. Somehow still alive, his captors replaced his heart with a mechanical one, and in order to keep upright he needs to have a constant flow of electricity in his system.
There's a reason the opening credits are presented to us in digitized video game format. Chev frantically goes from stage to stage, battling an odd assortment of weirdos and effed up stereotypes. Jason Statham's Chev is quiet, laconic, vicious and oozing with machismo. He'd fit right in as one of the 300 Spartans in the battle of Thermopylae, only without the long hair and tendency to screw boys. Dwight Yoakem re-emerges as his loyal Microchip, Doc Miles, able to fix any situation regardless of how absurd it might be. If Chev can reclaim his mighty heart, Doc is reasonably certain he can put it back in. This forces Chev to cut a bloody swath through an array of mid-bosses, from cackling Chinese Triads to tatted up Puerto Ricans carrying samurai swords.
Amy Smart returns as Chev's extremely hot girlfriend, Eve. If you remember the first Crank, she bangs Chev in public in order to keep his adrenaline going. Now, having become more...open, with her sexuality she's become a pole dancer. Oh, and she's dating Corey Haim. Yes, that Corey Haim. License to Drive Corey Haim. Again, she finds herself wrapped up in Chev's plight, and this time manages to get screwed in another uncomforable place(word to Mallrats!), this time to produce enough static electricity to keep Chev pumpin'. Amy Smart? Awesome. Amy Smart gettin' done in in the middle of the racetrack while the horses are runnin'? Doubly awesome.
I was a big fan of the first Crank, and eagerly anticipated this one. My biggest fear was that they'd take the controlled wackiness of that film and amp it up too far, and that seems to have happened here. It's literally as if they just said "Fuck It" and put anything they could think of in here: full body terret's victim riding a motorcycle? Check. Bai Ling playing a gun toting Asian hooker who sounds mysteriously like the "$10 me sucky sucky" chick from Full Metal Jacket? Check. Porno stars picketing and rioting in the streets of LA(featuring the likes Lexington Steel{my hero!}, Jenna Haze, etc.)? Check. It's simply too much at times, and while I appreciate any film that doesn't take itself too seriously there is a limit. When Chev and one of his random rivals suddenly transform into giant Godzilla-style monsters slugging it out in the middle of a power plant(I'm not joking) I finally had to throw my hands up in resignation.
That's not to say it's a bad film. It's a lot of fun, which is really the only thing that matters. I do hope that the next Crank, and there WILL be one, tones it down just the tiniest bit. I still want gangsters chopping off eachothers elbows and copious amounts of T & A and blood and guts and more Doc Miles(dude needs his own movie!), but maybe just a little less Bai Ling and a lot less Godzilla. Mmmkay? If not, that won't be cool, and Doc Miles might just haveta choke a bitch.
5.5/10
