Memo to the talkative brat sitting behind me at New Moon on Friday? Yes, it is getting hot in there, and it's got nothing to do with that creepy emotionless Edward guy or the Werewolf Next Door, either. It's the heat generated by my sky rocketing blood pressure every time you swoon openly with a lust I doubt you're old enough to comprehend.
Ignoring the torturous experience I had seeing New Moon on a Friday at 8pm(!!!), I feel as if I've been duped in some way. Twilight, the opening setup film in what appears to be a long line of setup films, failed miserably by inviting us to be on-lookers in a 2 hour stare-a-thon. It was a crashing bore in every conceivable way, but the trailers for New Moon had me sorta jazzed. The age old conflict between werewolves and vampires? That's something I can get into, even if the characters are about as exciting as dry corn flakes.
I shoulda known better.
New Moon fancies itself as a newer, hipper Romeo & Juliet. The appallingly pale and creepy Edward(Robert Pattinson) even recites some lines from it at one point, with all the entusiasm and emotion of a Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot. It feels like nothing's changed. Bella(Kristen Stewart) and the rest of the clan Cullen are exactly where they were before. Still moping, still dull. They don't really seem to do anything but sulk. Bella desperately wants to be a vampire, so she and her beloved can un-live together forever. Edward won't do it. His family takes the Nike approach, "Just do it". However when they are forced to leave because of rising suspicions, Edward leaves Bella behind. Guess what she does then? Sulk.
That is until Jacob(Taylor Lautner), the sorta gangly Native American guy from the last film turns up, and now he's "all buff". They form something of a rebound relationship. Only problem is, he's got a secret of his own. Is there anybody out there that doesn't know what that secret is? He's a friggin' werewolf. And the werewolves hate the vampires, so obviously the Cullens ain't high on their Christmas card list. Jacob doesn't wear a shirt. Like ever. None of them do, it seems. When one of his werewolf brothers walks out of the woods, shirtless I might add, carrying an unconscious Bella nobody bats an eye. Not a second thought. Then again, Bella's dad might as well be a stuffed pillow case he's so ineffective. To him I guess it's totally normal and above board.
Bella becomes an adrenaline junkie. I don't know why. To see Edward or something. He appears as a ghost or a puff of smoke most of the time, playing the angel sitting on her shoulder. He should tell her to get some sun. Maybe leave her a coupon to the nearest buffet. When Edward thinks Bella's dead, he turns himself over to a secret vampire heirarchy(led by Michael Sheen!!) so that he too can die. These guys are so secret they hide out in the middle of town in the most obvious building. It's beyond stupid. Dakota Fanning is there, too, and somehow she looks more human as a vampire. She makes for a wonderful set piece.
I suppose Kristen Stewart is perfectly fine for the lovestruck Bella. She's a proven actress that I think performs to the level of her script. The script for New Moon has so many holes you'd think it too had been fanged by a couple of vamps. It lacks any sort of passion, with absolutely no narrative flow to speak of. Events seem to happen at random, and if you are one of the few who has no clue what a Twilight is you'd be lost to figure out what is going on. For the life of me, I can't figure out what we're supposed to see in this Edward/Bella pairing. He has shown absolutely no personality at all, and I don't think I've ever seen them do anything other than sit around looking like someone spit in their cereal.
So if I had to be nailed down, I'm totally on Team Jacob. Atleast he can..I dunno...do stuff. Like fix motorcycles. And he seems to have a genuine interest in Bella. The scenes between the two have at least some level of chemistry. On it's own, I think their relationship, as fragile as it was, was the film's greatest asset.
New Moon feels like a setup movie. Twilight felt like a setup movie. Afterwards, I asked a friend what the heck was going on? I was told all sorts of big storylines that happen later that this film merely hints at. At this rate, this better be the greatest payoff ever.
5/10
