Piranha 3-D

From the moment Richard Dreyfuss shows up in the very first scene, evoking memories of his epic battle with the original fightin' fish in Jaws, you know you're in for a treat coated in equal parts cheese and fake blood. For someone like me, who wouldn't go near deep water if you paid him, a flick like Piranha 3-D is a tortorous delight. You have to be a certain type of person to enjoy something like this, a self aware gorefest that full embraces it's cornball nature. The easiest film to compare it to is obviously Snakes on a Plane, a hunk of schlock that failed because it tried too hard to make a legit action flick out of absurdity.Director David Aja knew exactly what he wanted to make, an unabashedly silly and over-the-top combination of comic violence and sex the likes of which we haven't seen since the days of the original Piranha.

What little plot there is plays like Jacques Cousteau's worst nightmare, as an underwater earthquake unleashes thousands of man-eating piranha that have been spawning beneath the surface since the days of the dinosaur. In every horror flick like this you need a nice, quiet, unassmung town to serve as the all-you-can-eat buffet. In this case it's Lake Victoria, and their shores have just been invaded by thousands of horny, bouncy teens for Spring Break. Unfortunately for them, the fish seem to have a taste for silicon injected boobs and botox injected butts. Once the piranha have made their presence abundantly clear, it's up to town Sheriff and supermom Julie Forester(Elisabeth Shue) to get everyone to safety. 

That proves to be not as easy as you'd think, since for some reason everyone keeps getting in the danged water. Even as the worst begins to unfold, people still insist the water's safe. That kind of rampant ignorance is vital for films like this to thrive. What fun would it be if everyone had a brain and a lick of sense? Counted amongst the brainless is Julie's son, Jake(Steven R. McQueen), who manages to get stranged in the middle of the ocean with his two siblings and his best friend, Kelly(Jessica Szohr). "Hollywood treasure" Jerry O'Connell always seem to find work playing douchebags, as a Joe Francis-style producer of low rent Girls Gone Wild videos. His character is easily the most aggravating, but that's ok. I doubt he'll have the balls to show up for the sequel...

The centerpiece is a massive underwater bloodbath the likes of which might make you think twice the next time MTV is in your town for Spring Break. A mix of the hopelessness of Titanic and the wanton carnage of the most violent war films you can imagine, all of Lake Victoria turns blood red as literally hundreds of drunken partyers become little more than a movable feast. It's a scene that is simply not for the weak of stomach.

Aja has found a way to make horror silly and fun again. Let's be honest, slasher flicks like A Nightmare on Elm Street have been done to death. And really, what fun are they? Aja's found success before, with 2003's femme psycho flick, Haute Tension. He's been struggling ever since to find get his mojo back, directing the remake of The Hills Have Eyes and the super lame Keifer Sutherland flick, Mirrors. While I think the 3-D is sorta useless except for a couple of minor exceptions, he did manage to make the sea terrifying again. The credit isn't all his. Screenwriters Josh Stolberg and Pete Goldfinger clearly know their way around a sexually exploitative genre flick. The duo struck gold last year with Sorority Row, which paid homage to the 80s style slashers.

On a side note,Sylvester Stallone could take a few pointers on using recognizable,easily exploitable actors to their best possible effect. Whether it's Shue, O'Connell, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, or even Eli Roth, everyone involved makes a lasting impression. Or at least makes for memorable fish food.

Let's be honest, you probably know if you're going to see Piranha 3-D or not already. You probably knew months ago. If the thought of buxom blondes having their rear ends chewed by razor fanged fish turns you off, then do yourself a favor and see something else. Don't waste your time. If you are one of the few who are on the fence, just know that I'm now rethinking that summer cruise I was planning for next year.