I mean, I’m not going to complain about an episode where
there is massive Eric Northman sexual
tension and Alcide popping out of a button-up shirt and even Bill Compton
looking steely and handsome. But did anyone else feel like nothing really
happened in “You’re No Good”? I mean, not really.
The long and the short of it is this: Eric, Tara, and Pam
are on the run with the Guv’s daughter, Willa Burrell, whom he’s kidnapped and
who is nursing a bit of a crush on Eric; Sookie’s grandfather Niall learns that
Warlow has killed all of the faeries at that faerie burlesque place and is
still on the hunt for Sookie; Alcide continues to be a kidnapping asshole; and
Bill decides to save his vampire people with faerie blood, which—if he can’t
get from Sookie—he’ll get some other way. Like, unwillingly, from Sheriff Andy’s
four half-faerie daughters, who have already become tweens. Because Bilith
doesn’t give a fuck about your children!
So what were the craziest parts of last night’s episode, “You’re
No Good”? Click through for my thoughts! (And, of course, SPOILERS ahead!)
1. What’s that, Eric
Northman? You threatened to “tear … apart” Willa’s lady parts as a way to
piss off her father, the governor? That seems like a great idea, except for where it doesn’t seem like the Guv
actually cares about his daughter; he’s clearly faking concern on his
phone call to Eric, and only seems to want to track down Northman to send
him to his very-obviously-Nazi-inspired vampire Holocaust camp, where he’s
already holding Steve Newlin. Experiments, research, torture—according to
Willa, if you name it, the camp has it. But back to Eric’s creepy rapey
threat, did he just mean he would ravage her vagina? Or is he suggesting
that she’s a virgin and he’s going to deflower her? Either way, lots of
options here. Lots of gross, gross options.
2. “I will stop this!” Bill
yells, and apparently to save his people, Jessica has to dress up like a
sexy schoolgirl to kidnap the university professor who synthesized Tru
Blood. (Of note, however: Bill’s powers aren’t infinite, and the sun can
still burn the shit out of him.) Anyway, even though Sookie says no to
helping Bill save the vampires (her: “You’re not God, Bill, you’re just an
asshole; him: “You’re dead to me now, Sookie Stackhouse”), he realizes he
can probably drain Andy’s four daughters for their faerie blood instead. And
although Andy isn’t 100 percent fine with being a dad yet (“Dammit, girls,
how many times do I have to tell you, hand lasers off!” was a great line,
as was the revelation that he hasn’t actually named his children yet), I’m
sure he’s not going to be happy with an ancestor designing to kill them.
3. In other
Stackhouse-related news, I liked the sort-of meta admission from Jason
that his character development is, quite consistently, the most inconsistent part of the show. As he
notes to Sookie, his bizarre behavior can be attributed to two causes: “You
got any idea how many concussions I got back in my playing days?” and “You
didn’t wonder why I was acting more crazy or racist than usual?” So yeah,
Jason realizes that the hallucinations of his parents weren’t totally accurate,
and he’s very committed to helping protect Sookie from Warlow—until he
collapses on the floor at the end of the episode, increasingly sick from
some unknown cause. And newly tending to him will be Sookie’s new love
interest, halfling Bill, who Grandpa Niall has recruited to their cause.
Because, never forget, Grandpa Niall is King of the Fae. I will never stop
laughing at how ridiculous that sounds.
4. On the werewolf side of
things, yes, everyone, Alcide is still an asshole! After kidnapping Emma,
he’s still on some insane power trip, trying to pick a fight with the cops,
forcing girlfriend Rikki to bow down to him—like, literally; it was
another weirdly sexually charged power play in a relationship full of weirdly
sexually charged power plays—and not preventing a fight between his pack
and the members of the Vampire Unity Society, who just show up on their
property. To be fair, most of the Vampire Unity Society—aside from leader
Nicole Wright—seem to be complete idiots, especially her Penn-educated
boyfriend, who I hope got slashed to bits. But really, I ask this every
week: How did Alcide become such an unlikeable character, and so quickly?
I don’t get it.
5. And finally, a legitimate question:
Does Sam Merlotte have a tramp stamp? Because I kind of saw one when he
was shirtlessly ushering Emma off into the forest to save Nicole Wright and
run away from the werewolves, but I’m not sure. SOMEONE PLEASE REPORT BACK
WITH MORE INFORMATION.
+ And finally, my favorite lines from this week:
+ “Fucking science!” Andy says when he receives a new box of
policing tools from the Guv, such as anti-glamour contact lenses. That, coupled
with Holly’s shocked face at the growth of his daughters, was good stuff.
+ Lots and lots of great stuff from Eric this week, from his
“It’s OK, Ginger, I understand. You’re stupid,” when his former Fangtasia
waitress actually picks up his cell phone when the Guv calls to “Put your tape
back on” when Willa tries to seduce him. To be fair, though, if you’re stuck in
a coffin with Eric Northman, wouldn’t you try to seduce him, too? I don’t blame
her in the least.
+ “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. I’m in politics now” and “If
you really wanna do God’s work, you have to be in politics,” were some very
on-the-nose lines from Steve Newlin’s wife Sarah this week, but I like her
return, because it further demonstrates the writers’ commitment to pushing the vampires-as-gays
allegory as this season. Again, that sentiment, coupled with the vampires being
put into work camps idea, is a little much. But hopefully the payoff will be
good, and we’ll eventually forgive the utilization of tragic world history for
a silly HBO show about the undead.
+ Pam didn’t have much to do this week, but I did adore her “I
didn’t ask because I didn’t give a shit” when Eric asks her where Nora has
gone. We eventually learn that she’s been watching Sookie’s house, looking for
Warlow, but god, fuck Nora. I really need her to die this season.
+ And finally, “That mangy bitch had a mean right,” from the
one and only Lafayette, who pledges to Sam that he’ll help him protect Emma.
Also, Lafayette’s cat eyeliner this episode—on point. Teach me your ways, Lala!
