So, we all knew this was coming, right? That hunky Ben would
be Warlow. My fellow PDC-ers Julian Lytle and Travis Hopson called that during our weekly Blog Talk Radio show yesterday, and I’m simultaneously pleased and disappointed that they guessed
right. It’s upsetting, I think, because we’re only four episodes into this
season and it seems like things are moving way, way too quickly. But at the
same time, since we’re on a faster schedule this season, with only 10 episodes
instead of the typical 12, I understand the decision to progress things
rapidly. This was just … really, really rapid, no?
And it’s not just the Sookie/Warlow storyline that seems
ratcheted up; so is the extremely fucking random romance between Sam and Nicole,
as well as Bill and Jessica’s treatment of Andy’s four half-faerie daughters,
who may already be dead. Guys, this show. THIS SHOW. It boggles the mind.
For the five “Oh fuck, of course!” moments from last night’s
episode, click through! (And, yes, SPOILERS AHEAD!)
1. So, let’s start with the
biggest revelation: That Ben is Warlow, a half-vampire, half-faerie hybrid
who walks around in the daylight, banishes Grandpa Niall into the
portal from which Warlow himself escaped, and glamours Jason into helping
him. Sookie, however, figures out that Ben is Warlow on her own after
realizing that Ben gave Jason vampire blood in her living room, and plans
a sexy trap for him, including lingerie, candles, “At Last” on the record
player, and a ball of faerie force aimed right at Warlow’s head. Way to
man up, Sookie! Other effects of this storyline: Nora, who was lurking
around Sookie’s house because she wants Warlow to kill Lilith, or
basically Bill, gets captured by the Guv’s forces; Jason is having sexy
dreams about Ben/Warlow because he’s had his blood and hilariously asks Grandpa
Niall about it (“Even though you’re a faerie, you’re a straight kind of
faerie, right? … You ever had a dream that ain’t so straight?”); and Ben/Warlow
can sustain silver (since nothing happens to him when he eats the food
Sookie cooked that is covered in the stuff) and has a British accent,
which sounds just as fake as his Southern accent. I just can’t with this
guy, and I wonder at his line to Sookie, “Everyone wants to be understood,
right?” Is that just some cheese to get her into bed? Or is he actually
going to pull a sensitive vampire act? Is it wrong that I want this season’s
Big Bad to already be dealt with? Blergh. So disappointed with how this played
out.
2. And other big shit is
going down in the Eric Northman front, since he turns Willa Burrell into a
vampire, only the second he’s made in his lifetime (Pam, of course, is the
first). She thinks her new life is going to be full of law-breaking and
sex-having (to be fair, I’m sure most women would look at Eric Northman
and be hoping for some sex, too, even if you’re both covered in dirt and
blood), but Eric sends her back to her father to force him to understand
that “we were all once human.” Naturally, Willa is kind of pissed, not
only because she is now a forever-virgin (“pretty much,” at least) but
especially since when she reaches her father, she learns he’s having an
affair with Sarah Newlin (ugh) and is then shot by Sarah, who convinces the
Guv to send her to his vampire Holocaust camp. And, like the Sookie/Warlow
storyline, this one had some other effects—mainly that Pam has been
captured, too, which means that Eric and Tara will probably have to work
together to get her back. (Ginger has also been captured, in a great
moment that led the Guv to call Eric a “peckerwood”). But, does Willa’s
turning mean she is joining their crew? Or do we think her character will
be killed off by season’s end? I could probably see it going either way,
but no one can be more annoying than Nora, right? The. Worst.
3. Whoops, Jessica may have
killed Andy’s daughters! After the tween girls become full-grown teenagers
in a span of about three seconds, they decide to go on a joy ride in daddy
Andy’s cop car, leading them to a liquor store where they get lured away
by Jessica and Bill. Although the girls call out vampire Jessica on how
she smells “kinda funny,” her dumb act wins them over (“I have tons of
faerie friends. Just think of me as a regular girl, looking for a party”)
and they agree to go over to Bill’s. Little do they know, though, that he’s
not going to have sex with them (even though one of the girls amateurishly
coos, “I think history’s really sexy”) but is instead harvesting their blood after kidnapping that
professor from last episode to synthesize the stuff. The only glitch?
That faerie blood disintegrates at an abnormally fast rate, making it nearly
impossible to duplicate. Oh, and Jessica ATE ALL THE HALF-FAERIES after
they tried to leave, which certainly will not please Bill. But it seems
like Andy, after Jason notes that “faeries are like catnip to vampires,”
might be putting together who kidnapped his girls. And I doubt, even
though he hasn’t named his girls yet, that he’s going to be jazzed to
learn they might be dead. I just have this inkling.
4. Meh, Sam. Basically Sam is
on the run, he takes Emma and Nicole with him, I think he sends Lafayette
off (rude!), and then for some reason—even though it’s only been, what,
four days since Luna died, and he’s known Nicole all of five minutes?, and
Nicole just saw her boyfriend get eaten by werewolves?—the two of them are
making out on a hotel bed. Because, THIS SHOW. “I still see Luna, I try to
block it out, but at the same time, I don’t want to let her go”—thanks for
your feelings, Sam. The feelings you’ve had for like, a week, tops. Also,
I can’t help feeling that Sam is, what, 20 years older than Nicole? Probably.
Blergh, sigh, ugh. (AND WHO IS WATCHING MERLOTTE’S?)
5. Oh, and finally, Alcide is
still an asshole. In case you were wondering. His only real line this week
is to growl at Rikki, “Who is your pack master?” Also, how much is this
show paying Robert Patrick to just stand in the background of scenes,
growing his beard and looking like a hobo redneck? These werewolves
are boring as hell.
+ And, really quickly, some of my favorite lines and stray
thoughts:
+ Am I overthinking Eric tackling Tara and choking her on
the floor to make him abide by him as having weird, racial overtones? Or are
these just sexual overtones? I mean, everything Eric Northman does has sexual
overtones. But I think you guys know what I’m trying to say.
+ I love the werewolves’ description of Nicole: “the girl
with the crazy hair.” Yup. Apt. Crazy VOLUMINOUS and BEAUTIFUL. I also enjoyed her reaction face to seeing Sam
shift into a horse—her “Shit!” was fairly accurate, I’d say.
+ Also a great one-word delivery: Sookie’s “Motherfucker!”
when she realizes who Ben really is. These vampires, Sook. They just want to
suck your blood.
+ Oh, and finally: Jason doing pull-ups on Sookie’s door?
Um, yes. So much yes. EVERY YES IN THE WORLD.