Whoa whoa whoa! Gimme a sec to get a grip.........deep breath....okay...
This version of Clone Wars stands in stark contrast to the previous version released a couple years back in segments by the Cartoon Network. That one, billed as the bridge between Episodes 2 an 3 of the feature films, most accurately portrayed the emotional states of it's main characters as well as giving us a glimpse at the real meat of the war taking place. We saw Anakin's continued descent to the dark side of the Force, as well as his fracturing relationship with mentor, Obi Wan Kenobi. It also contained little touches that only served to make Episode 3 more palatable, like revealing how General Grievous suffered his injuries and why we're supposed to consider him such a bad ass. I consider that version of Clone Wars to be the perfect example of using different media outlets to further a franchise. I proudly look upon it as a fan to be fully in-continuity, by far the best thing to come out of the Star Wars prequels.
Then we have this newer, even more animated version of Clone Wars. I don't know where this thing came from. It's like it spawned, fully grown and stinking, from George Lucas's ass crack. Normally I'd ask, "Who the hell greenlit this thang?", but I already know the answer. Lucas, in his infinite wisdom decided it would be to the benefit of the franchise to create a more kid friendly Clone Wars.
What I just said is misleading. George Lucas doesn't have the benefit of the franchise in mind. He hasn't for quite some time. It's all about money, and it shows in the creative output(such as it is) of his work. Make no mistake, this is a kids' film. None of the characters have a trace of who they were in the theatrical releases. They are cookie cutter cardboard shadows of their former selves, and if I had access to the original prints of this garbage I'd wipe my butt with it then flush.
The plot, such as it is, revolves around the kidnapping of Jabba's son. Why anyone would care about that is beyond me. I found the discussion of trade routes in Phantom Menace to be far more exhilerating. The Empire, in an attempt to frame the Jedi, kidnapped the little slug in order to curtail the Republic's use of Jabba's airspace. The Republic, not wanting to lose Jabba's favor, endeavor to rescue the child and set Anakin and Obi Wan to the rescue.
That would be enough of a plot right there for your average cartoon. But as if he's deliberately strumming the emotions of his hardcore fanbase to provoke anger, Lucas decided that Anakin somehow needs a padawn of his own. What? Where was she in the third film? A padawan would be hard to hide and impossible to ignore, right? And ofcourse, she's as cheerful and earnest as Anakin is dour and sullen. Only he's NOT dour and sullen like in the movies. No no no! This is a kids' film, and this version of Anakin is blandly heroic. The extent of his recklessness revolves around people saying "You're reckless!" and assuming we adults are too enamored with the awful animation to realize that Anakin is anything but reckless and is in fact quite dull and static.
Which leads me to the animation itself. Rather than waste valuable space detailing why it doesn't look quite right, I'll reverse course and list the good things about it:
(crickets chirp)
(tumbleweeds)
Not even the action is worth noting. Lots of scenes of clone troopers firing guns at those stick figure robots, but little worth remembering actually takes place. There was as much drama in an episode of GI Joe than this, and I knew nobody was gonna die then(although Duke almost did! Damn you Serpentor!).
The saddest part about this is that when the DVD package comes out, you just know the initial release will be a barebones version. Then six months later a repackaged Special Edition. And there will be people like me who stand there at Best Buy with this turd in their hands and seriously debate buying it. Some won't even debate and probably have it on pre-order already. And George Lucas will watch as another $20 bill falls through his ceiling into the big pile of accumulated Star Wars cash that he keeps heaped in a special room on his ranch or in his mansion or wherever, and he'll think he was successful. He'll call this crap a welcome edition to the Star Wars family. The masses paid for it, right? So it must've been good! Let's do another!
And he will. And I'll be first in line when he does. I'm such a sucker. Rant finished.
3/10
