After much deliberation I've decided that yes, 12 Rounds deserves to be reviewed. Not because the film is good, mind you. It's awful, actually. It deserves it because, well, John Cena demands our full attention. For those that don't know, John Cena is the muscle bound muscle-headed buffoon who stinks up Monday Night Raw every week, and on occasion feels the need to spread his foul stench to Friday Night Smackdown. He's basically Eminem if he spent too much time poppin' roids like Skittles. Cena's previous "movie", The Marine, cast him in the role of a former marine who's wife was kidnapped by a bunch of thieves. In 12 Rounds, Cena decides to stretch himself by tackling the role of a cop who's wife is kidnapped a criminal.
It's truly inspired stuff. Whereas The Marine was so awful that they literally decided that the best way to kill time was by cramming in as many slow motion explosions as possible, 12 Rounds doesn't even give us that much to enjoy. For the first few minutes I was wondering whether or not Cena had written the script himself, as every line seemed to be dedicated to pumping up the meathead's ego, "A freakishly large guy like yourself...". That line was by another DUDE, I might add. What makes it worse, it's an actor I actually like! Brian J. White, who's had starring roles in Stomp the Yard, Dead or Alive, and plenty of other films far better than this crap. He plays Cena's best buddy, the typical hounddog chasing every bit of tail in town, while Cena is his obvious female respecting counterpart. BORING!
Cena finds himself thrown into 12 rounds of deadly trials thrown at him by Miles Jackson, an international fugitive Cena helped catch a year ago to the day. During capture, Miles's wife was accidentally killed, and so he blames Cena for it. He forces Cena to go through any number of hurdles, which basically involve Miles threatening to blow something up, but give Cena plenty of time to achieve his objectives. In fact the only thing even remotely compelling is Miles offering the harshest critique and ultimate punishment for the obesity problem facing this country: send them all hurtling down elevator shafts. That'll learn 'em!
Embarrassing downfalls for the obese aside, there really is little to like here. The story is bland. Cena's trials are repetitive and rarely compelling. Cena himself has only two facial expressions: extremely happy or somewhat constipated. But I do give credit to Aidan Gillen, who is clearly having a ball with the psychotic genius that is Miles Jackson. He's actually worth checking out both here and in the final two seasons of The Wire. Surprisingly, the effects aren't even all that up to snuff and are pretty standard. I'd expect more from the guy who made Die Hard 2(Die HARDER!!!), but then again totally what I'd expect from the guy who made Deep Blue Sea. 12 Rounds is a hair better than The Marine, but that's not saying much. Obviously, this isn't the knockout film WWE Studios was hoping for.
4/10
