There's a good side and a down side to this wave of 80's nostalgia flicks hammering the big screen lately. On one hand, it's cool to see some of my favorite fixtures presented in a way I never could've imagined as a child. But on the other hand, I feel like an old fart. The latter issue aside, G.I. Joe's director Stephen Somers has been presented an opportunity the likes of which he couldn't have imagined. With Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen so universally panned despite it's mammoth box office, G.I. Joe is the enviable position to give the fans exactly what they were clamoring for AND capitalize on the 80s craze. Michael Bay seemed less concerned with giving the fans anything other than what he thought looked good on screen. I won't mince words when I say this, but Somers nails it. G.I. Joe is big, raucous, loud, and often stupid. And I loved every dumb second of it.
Perhaps realizing that there's no logical reason for any toy movie to be 2 1/2 hours long, the plot of GI Joe is so simple it could fit in a 2-part episode of the cartoon. A Scottish weapons dealer named McCullen has developed a nanite weapon that could single handedly make him the most powerful man in the world. The weapon can eat through pretty much anything, tanks, people, iconic French phallic symbols. During a delivery of his weapon, the military unit guarding it is suddenly attacked by an unknown group of futuristically armed soldiers, led by the bookish and beautiful Baroness(Sienna Miller). For the record, I've always had the hots for the Baroness, and my subsequent love for women with glasses can be traced directly back to her. Plus she's evil. Evil women are hot. The weapon is being protected by the last two members of it's guard, Duke(Channing Tatum) and Ripcord(Marlon Wayans). Just as they are about to fail in their mission, they are rescued by G.I. Joe and the silent and deadly ninja, Snake Eyes(Ray Park). The battle is brief and intense, with both sides displaying firepower that is immediately reminiscent of the cartoon, only with real deaths. Yay for real deaths! No more getting shot in the hands!
Duke and Ripcord are escorted to the Joes secret underground playset...er, headquarters known as The Pit. Yes, The Pit even makes it's presence felt here. There they are introduced to the leader of GI Joe, the grizzled veteran General Hawk(Dennis Quaid). For a "top secret" military unit Hawk is awfully quick to offer up details on his team. Ripcord immediately falls for the gorgeous brainiac, Scarlett(Rachel Nichols). The rest of the team is introduced, including field leader Heavy Duty and computer whiz Breaker. I could've used a few more name brand Joes, but that will be part of the fun of the sequel I'm sure, seeing which ones get added(Shipwreck better be there next time!). Duke and Ripcord essentially blackmail their way onto the team temporarily after being put through a video game style training montage that looks like it was ripped right out of Lethal Enforcers. We soon come to realize that McCullen is the front man for a multinational terrorist organization with plans to rule the world. He is joined by his partner, The Doctor(Joseph Gordon-Leavitt), Snake Eyes arch-nemesis Storm Shadow, and man of many disguises, Zartan. Their goal is to use the nanotechnology to create their own super-powered army.
GI Joe doesn't get bogged down trying to impress us with over the top special effects. They're not the best, and certainly not in Michael Bay's league. But what they are is appropriate for the material. It's bright and colorful, and every shot of some overly large too heavy to carry weapon fires rainbow colored beams of energy. To me that's just plain fun. The aspect of the film I had the least enthusiasm for was the Accelerator Suit, introduced in the many trailers for the film. The suits enhance the wearer's speed, durability, and strength. But to my surprise the suits are only featured in one scene, and it's arguably my favorite sequence in the film as Ripcord and Duke race down an escaping Baroness and Storm Shadow through the crowded streets of Paris. GI Joe isn't concerned with it's own inherent silliness, as Ripcord gets nailed by a truck and bounces up like nothing happened, it's having way too much fun for that. You're not supposed to think too hard about it.
One of the things I loved most about GI Joe as a kid was the individuality of the characters. You pretty much knew all you needed to just by their codename. Barbeque was the flamethrower; Shipwreck was the sailor; Lady Jaye...used javelins or something? I dunno. There's a marginal effort to differentiate the characters here, but it's not quite as comically pronounced as in the cartoon. So no, they didn't call in special recruit Iceberg when they went to the North Pole. It ain't that serious. But Ripcord is the expert pilot, and Heavy Duty does carry a BFG. Duke...uh, Duke just kinda looks grim and determined. What the heck was his talent anyway? Other than catching a snake spear through the chest?
By far the most popular character in GI Joe lore is Snake Eyes, the enigmatic American ninja who's rivalry with Storm Shadow is the stuff of kid legend. Somers knows what we want to see is these two squaring off, and we get it in spades. Somers also cleverly slides in brief glimpses of their origins growing up under the tutelage of their sensei, the Hard Master(that's my porno name!!). The best hand to hand battle of the entire film features these two as children rumbling in the middle of the kitchen as the thieving Snake Eyes tries to eat and fight at the same time. Stage fighter extraordinaire, Ray Park, brings the silent master to life perfectly, although I do have some issues with his costume. His mouth looks kinda weird underneath that skintight suit. Kinda like he's talking from just under a tar pit. Minor detail.
A movie like this couldn't exist if everyone wasn't having a good time with it. Sienna Miller looks to be having a blast as the sultry Baroness, as she slinks away from harm then kills another one of her many suitors. And y'know, I didn't hate Marlon Wayans like I thought I would. He sticks to his strengths, which is mainly physical comedy and it works for the most part. I wasn't as big a fan of Channing Tatum, but then again I never have been. He always seems to be operating on the same emotional level no matter what the role might call for. The real question was how would Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, my favorite actor today, hold up as The Doctor? Would he sacrifice his acting cred to the Hasbro gods in return for a larger paycheck? Nah, he ain't bad. He plays The Doctor like a transplant straight from the GI Joe comic books. He's over the top creepy and unnaturally sadistic, like all the best big screen scientist villains. He wrings his hands and laughs gleefully while injecting you with something that'll probably put a crimp in your dating life.
My expectations exceeded, what does the future hold for G.I. Joe as a franchise? This movie is very much a set up film, but there's no holding pattern on the major storylines involved. We get a complete story, one that leaves us with a doozy of a cliffhanger to whet the appetite. I'm sure everyone's probably anticipated the worst, but I'm letting you know that you will have a good time with G.I. Joe. And as they say, knowing is half....ah, you know the rest.
7/10
