If there's one thing I learned from Sorority Row, it's that there's never a bad time for a party. Getting stalked by a supposedly dead sorority sister wielding a razor sharp tire iron? Pshaw! Where's the keg at? We'll deal with that bitch later after we get our drink on! A remake of the 1984 slasher, The House on Sorority Row, this version focuses less on the brutality of it's predecessor and more on what we really want: hot chicks in skimpy duds. It's brainless, bitchy, cheesy, and I loved every second of it.
The women of Theta Pi take this "sisterhood" thing a bit too seriously. When Megan, played by talentless but hot hack actress Audrina Partridge, discovers her boyfriend cheated on her, the girls all decide to pull a prank on him that goes terribly awry, leading to Megan's death. Using their best judgement(read:none), the girls decide that Megan wouldn't want them to give up their lives just because they killed her, so they decide to dump her body down a mine shaft. There's always a mine shaft somewhere nearby, especially near those huge college campuses. Months later at graduation, the girls of Theta Pi receive the most unwelcome text message ever: a picture of a hooded figure carrying the same weapon used to kill Megan. OMG! It doesn't go over well.
The girls all fit into the typical movie cliched archetypes: Cassidy(Briana Evigan) is the least irresponsible of the bunch. We can tell because she smiles the least, I guess. Jessica(Leah Pipes, great porn name) is the straight up bitch who pretty much causes all this turmoil. Ellie(Rumer Willis) is the geek who should be too smart to hang around these skanks. She's the resident screamer. Claire(Jamie Chung) is...well, she's the minority. Sorry, she has no other personality traits! And then there's Chugs(Margo Harshman) who is every guy's dreamgirl: hot, drunk, and slutty. She's my favorite for obvious reasons.
When the girls and their douchebag boyfriends start droppin' like flies at the hands of this mysterious figure, the obvious thing to do is to...fight back or something, right? Nah. Party first. Self preservation later. And can we find the skimpiest gear possible to get hacked to death in? Does blood go with this outfit?
While not overly terrifying, Sorority Row gets points based on atmosphere alone. The goal was not to make the most gorey violent horror of the year. There are other movies out that are wearing out the tread on those tires already. The point was to make an 80s style slasher that's both funny and intense. Think of it like a screwed up version of Clueless, only that redheaded chick happens to be a revenge seeking ax murderer. The acting obviously isn't great, but it's not distracting. Step Up 2's Briana Evigan, who everyone knows by now is on my shortlist, does the brooding hero bit fairly well. She's definitely got the look for it. She's tougher, more streetwise, than the rest of her glossy mates. However it wasn't one of the chicks that gets the most props from me. It's Julian Morris as Cassidy's over protective, earnest boyfriend Andy, who stole the show. We already know what his role is going to be the first time we see him, but at no point does it feel telegraphed. Good stuff. Morris was the lead in another slasher film that I have a fondness for, 2005's Cry Wolf.
Sorority Row is gonna earn any awards. I don't think that was in the mission statement. But it does give us a double barreled shotgun wielding Carrie Fisher, and if that's not worth paying to see then you must not be living. Sit back and enjoy the catty goodness.
7/10
