As The Twilight Saga lurches to a conclusion with Breaking Dawn, the insanely popular vampire romance also enters it's most awkward, delicate phase. Already a global phenomenon of epic proportions, with a legion of fans so rabid they declare open warfare on each other in support of their favorite characters, Twilight is stepping out of virgin territory just like it's heroine. After three movies of breathless stares and teenage angst, Bella(Kristen Stewart) and Edward(Robert Pattinson) are finally tying the knot, and with it come a whole mess of adult problems that nobody, including the filmmakers, seem prepared to handle.
At this point, the Twilight moves just sort of move at their own momentum. They exist in a joyless, emotionless world where vampires and werewolves bicker over....who really knows? It doesn't really matter, either, as nothing anybody can say is going to deter the Twi-hards from going all googly over Stephanie Meyer's beloved characters. For them, Breaking Dawn is like their high school prom and sweet 16 all rolled into one. It's the payoff for years of pining away alongside Bella over her darling Edward. The years of indecision as she struggled with feelings over the shirtless wolf wonder, Jacob(Taylor Lautner). If you're invested in what Bella and her vampire love have gone through, then the first hour of Breaking Dawn will make you feel like one of the honored guests at their wedding. If you could care less and just wish Van Helsing would show up and wipe out the whole lot of them, it will be like getting your toenails plucked out with rusty pliers.
After Jacob shows off his abs literally in the first five seconds, the rest of the first half of the film centers on the long awaited, but hastily prepared union between Edward Cullen and his pale, spindly human lover, Bella Swan. Time, and finally marrying the woman he loves, hasn't made him any less tortured, though. We can tell by the number of times he's caught staring off into the distance at nothing. The nuptials are a beautiful affair, however, blanketed in snow white, as his clan and Bella's clueless family watch with palpable joy. Billy Burke is excellent as Bella's nervous, over protective father, and the humor he brings to the proceedings are sorely needed. All are not happy, however, as their marriage brings a slew of bigger issues, such as the tenuous treaty between the Cullens and Jacob's wolf pack. If they turn Bella into a vampire, they would be breaking the terms of the agreement, but she can't possibly survive getting any nookie from her husband-to-be while still a human. Or can she?
To figure that out is to go down the "Can Superman have sex with Lois Lane?" rabbit hole. Delayed gratification comes finally with their honeymoon on a private island in South America, and if you thought the sex was good in a regular episode of True Blood then you ain't seen nothin' yet. You really don't, since the Twilight movies must remain as dull and chaste as possible, the literal bed breaking pleasures the newlyweds indulge in are left to our imagination. Instead we see the pillow feathers drifting, Bella's post-coital glow, followed by vigorous games of chess(!!?!). Not joking.
It's all prelude to what then separates this Breaking Dawn from every other Twilight we've yet seen, as the second part of the story goes to some seriously dark, twisted places. It isn't long before Bella discovers she's pregnant, and in an especially satisfying scene it's amusing to watch Edward stare like a dope as she talks about missing her period. Guy vampires and humans aren't so different after all. The human/vampire seed in her belly begins sucking the life out of her, feeding on her from the inside until poor Bella looks like the Cryptkeeper's better half. Nobody can figure out what to do. She looks like a walking cadaver; Edward's dumbfounded; she's drinking blood out of a Styrofoam cup with a straw; the werewolves are itchin' for a fight; Edward's still dumbfounded. Something's got to give, and that may mean giving Bella a dose of vampire venom once and for all.
Inexplicably directed by Bill Condon(Dreamgirls), the veteran director does what he can fashioning a nearly competent monster movie out of the whole affair, as the possibility exists that that baby could be some freakish creature that devours vampires and humans alike. The birth pushes the PG-13 limits as well, in a blood curdling scene that's like something out of Rosemary's Baby.
What made Eclipse marginally successful is that for the first time the actor's seemed to be in one the joke. The Twilight story is ludicrous, and the characters are especially ridiculous archetypes, so the films should have been played as such. Try to take this melodramatic fluff too seriously and it just looks awful, so what you get is people laughing at stiffly delivered lines of dialogue played straight. When Bella, all sickly and looking like she weighs 60lbs soaking wet(rather than her normal 90lbs) rubs her distended belly and calls the baby a "miracle", it's the stuff jokes are made of. Here's a tip: invest in vampire Trojans, babe.
The less said about "imprinting", the better. It's disturbing on so many levels they spend a good part of the movie trying to lesson the blow, but suffice it to say Jacob probably shouldn't be your first choice to babysit. Just sayin'.
As crazy as all this may sound, Breaking Dawn manages to somehow be incredibly dull, and the reason is the same that has plagued every film so far. There are no stakes. What have we been made to care about? That Bella and Edward live happily ever after? That much is a given. Who is the enemy? For all the lip service paid to this so-called feud between the wolves and vamps, Twilight has remained a bloodless, mostly non-violent affair. There have been no consequences for anything that has gone on, so why would they start now? Having never read Meyer's books, the only conclusion that can be drawn is that screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg had to work with the tools she was given, and in terms of fully realized characters she was handed a whole bunch of nothin'.
None of this will matter. Twilight will make it's money, and with the finale divided up into two parts we're assured more unintentional comedy next year. The film does end on a promising note, however, with the return of the only real adversaries the franchise has ever had. At least if we're going to be put through this one more time, there'll be somebody bad to root for. Van Helsing, where are you?
