There are no secrets here, no twists, no turns, just pure violent insanity
in the Rodriguez mode. He's always been a director who has embraced whatever
cinematic vices are gripping him at the moment; such as scratching the kid
movie itch with Spy Kids
or dabbling in film noir in Sin City;
and Machete Kills is his every twisted notion left to run amok on the
big screen, and boy is it glorious. In this case that means delivering a
hilarious opening teaser for the long-promised Machete Kills Again...In
Space, complete with appearances by "Justin Bieber" and
"Leonardo DiCaprio" (*casting subject to change*) in a film that looks
like the incompetent cousin of Jason X.
The entirety of the film is basically an outlandish, non-stop prelude to
Machete's interplanetary adventure, so there's never really any doubt where the
film will end up, it's all in the wonderfully maniacal path to getting there.
Machete is still doing his thing along the U.S./Mexican border, working for the
federal government, when a bunch of cartel goons show up like lambs to the
slaughter. Cut to Machete using his massive blade to electrocute one poor fool,
lopping heads into the air like popcorn, and slicing one down the middle like a
half-smoke. But the sudden arrival of highly-trained soldiers in Grendel masks
put Machete in a life-or-death situation, until he's saved from a swinging
noose by a call from the President (Charlie Sheen using his birth name Carlos
Estevez).
The Machete films are essentially a form of Mexican wish fulfillment, and
Rodriguez gets mucho enjoyment out of positioning the ex-Federale as America's
only hope against a nuke-wielding mad man. The promise of a clean record and
U.S. citizenship, along with the President's pointed insistence, has Machete
parachuting like Bugs Bunny into Acapulco. From there it's a cavalcade of
colorful characters portrayed by every name in Rodriguez's phone book. Amber
Heard preens with devilish glee as Miss Santonio, a pageant beauty (she's
fascinating even when painting her toenails) doubling as Machete's contact. Of
course it isn't long before she's straddling the virile legend, but it's the
only action Machete gets that doesn't involve spilling entrails. She sets him
on the trail of Mendez (Demian Bichir), a former Mexican revolutionary with a Jekyll
and Hyde split personality that has him cool and heroic one moment, a
suicidal/homicidal maniac the next. Bichir, a refined talent who recently
earned a surprise Best Actor nomination for A Better Life,
relishes in the comedic gymnastics of the role. Even better is Mel Gibson as a
Star Wars-obsessed, luchadore mask-wearing billionaire looking to start his own
colony in space. Like Bichir, Gibson is capable of adding a dramatic weight
that adds a real sense of menace to his character when necessary, while also
recognizing that pretty much everything else is completely absurd. Gibson's
always been a funny actor, and perhaps his personal issues are informing the
way we perceive his villainy, but when he's truly inspired by a role as he is
here, it's a true joy to watch.
Machete may be the ultimate alpha male but the flashiest roles of all
Rodriguez gives to the ladies. He's always had a thing for crafting sexy and
strong female characters, and there are a number of them here, even if most are
psychotic. Sofia Vergara screeches like a banshee as Desdemona, a disturbed
brothel owner whose Peso Pussy Tuesday special (seriously) is interrupted by
Machete's interference. She's got an army of killer bitches (including the jaw-dropping
Alexa Vega as Killjoy) and a deadly array of weaponized undergarments. Michelle
Rodriguez is back for "taco time" as rebel leader Luz, but she seems
tame in comparison to Lady Gaga, who struts sexually as The Chameleon, a
villain who can change faces (and genders) at a whim.
Even with so many vivid characters it's the laconic hero Machete who shines
the most. He's a guy of few words and deliberate actions who always seems to
have been air-dropped in from another movie where things like Twitter and text
emoticons are to be shunned. Even when he rips out a guy's intestines and uses
them to slingshot the victim into a helicopter it somehow seems natural for
him. Trejo really does have the best gig in all of Hollywood, especially when
you consider his humble upbringings. Now he's surrounded by some of the world's
biggest celebrities in franchise built from the ground up for him to rule.
Pretty cool. The film loses a little momentum as Rodriguez moves the chess pieces in place for the sequel, but then you realize it's all being done so we can get even more Machete, and that makes it perfectly okay. If there are boundaries of good taste to be followed, Machete Kills leaves them in a bloody heap. It's exactly what Rodriguez's audience would expect; bigger boobs, bigger stars, and bigger kills. The mind boggles at what lengths he'll go to top it.
