I’m fairly certain that Baggage Claim is the biggest load of bullshit to come out this year
so far. And this is only one week after a movie starring Chris Brown hit
theaters. That is how bad Baggage Claim is. It is the WORST.
THING.
If you saw “What’s Your Number?” with Anna Faris or “Lola
Versus” with Greta Gerwig, than you have seen “Baggage Claim,” but this movie from director David E.
Talbert—adapting his own book—is clearly for an African-American audience,
whereas the other two films weren’t. Which, you know, fine. That’s fine! And I understand
the appeal of romantic comedies; really, I do. But how blatant this one is, how
unsubtle, how straight-up offensive and demeaning to women—I don’t think I’ve
seen a movie this clueless in a while. It legitimately made me so angry that
for most of the 93 minutes I just stared at fellow Punch Drunk Critic Julian
Lytle in a rage. I ALMOST BLACKED OUT FROM FRUSTRATION AND INFURIATION. I
cannot stress this enough. Baggage Claim
was HARMFUL TO MY HEALTH.
It is a DANGER TO SOCIETY.
AND WOMEN.
AND WOMEN IN SOCIETY.
Basically the gist is this: Flight attendant Montana
(Paula Patton) is convinced that her mother’s five marriages are actually something
to be jealous of, and she’s sad that “I can’t even find one.” Nearing 30, with
a beautiful apartment (clearly not in Baltimore, as the film claims, and also
clearly full of items bought on clearance at Pier 1 by the set designer) and
two good friends in the gay, fashion-forward Sam (Adam Brody, one of this film’s only bright
sports) and the promiscuous Gail with absurdly huge cleavage (Jill Scott), fellow flight attendants,
Montana is convinced her life is hopeless. And with her college sophomore
sister getting married to a guy she barely knows as Montana's insanely bitchy mother cackles in the
background, Montana goes a little crazy, deciding to break tons of federal regulations
and track down her old boyfriends through their flight plans during the
holidays. She’ll just show up on their flights, and they’ll remember how great
she is, and then they’ll get back together, and then she’ll certainly be
married! Because she can’t go to her sister’s rehearsal dinner alone. Oh god,
no. Not without a man? HOW WILL SHE SHOW HER FACE?
But let me be clear: “It’s not a man I need, it’s a
husband,” Montana says. Because marriage is everything. Marriage is the only thing.
Fuck a happy relationship and a good life together! Montana is not having that!
She needs to be a wife. Her only merit as a human being is to be a wife.
And so we have a revolving array of ex-boyfriends,
played by people like Trey Songz and Taye Diggs, who Montana has to realize
aren’t right for her. And waiting in the wings is longtime best friend William
(Derek Luke), who drives Montana everywhere and has a compartment full of her
crap in his car and cooks her LOBSTER DINNERS ON WEEKDAYS TO CHEER HER UP, but
that’s not enough for her. Why would she end up with William? She needs someone
rich, and someone sophisticated, and someone who will marry her. MARRIAGE
MARRIAGE MARRIAGE.
Honestly, I don’t know what to say about this movie,
because it feels so phenomenally old-fashioned and outdated, so ridiculously
conservative and undermining of female independence. By making the female
characters in the film exhibit this overwhelmingly woe-is-me attitude, Talbert
can pretend he’s masking his misogyny—but it’s so obvious. It’s so present. And
at the screening I attended, people ate
this shit up. People cheered at the obvious romantic conclusion of this
movie! People were into it! Because people are sheep. And I hate them.
That’s really harsh, but Baggage Claim deserves it. For making its female characters either
desperate or unfaithful in their relationships, it deserves it. For making
marriage something to be coveted instead of worked at, it deserves it. For
putting Patton in numerous sets of Spanx, when she has a perfect, beautiful
body, it deserves it. All the resentment in my soul for you, Baggage Claim. All for you.
Guttenbergs Rating: 0 out of 5
