The young-adult-supernatural-world movie adaptation
game has been floundering for a while, hasn’t it? Twilight ended and every
movie studio tried to snap up as many properties as possible, and not any of
them—The Host, Beautiful Creatures, or The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones—has
panned out. And you can add Vampire Academy to that list now, too, since the
movie is an incoherent mess that deserves to be seen by no one.
Maybe I’m biased—I think the TV version of Buffy the
Vampire Slayer is the best example of this genre, probably because it predated
all the gaudiness of Twilight and was a far more visceral experience. And maybe
I’m also biased because I’m disappointed in brothers Mark (who directed Mean
Girls) and Daniel (who wrote Heathers) Waters for even taking the Vampire Academy
project. They already had two perfect high school-centered movies under their
belts; why try to hit lightning a second time? Because Vampire Academy is not
as insightful as Mean Girls nor as dark as Heathers; it doesn’t seem to have a point
at all, really, except for getting a bunch of pretty young people one more line
on their resumes. Otherwise, this whole thing is a hot-ass mess.
The film (which wasn't screened for critics before its release), based off the first installment in a
series of young adult books by Richelle Mead, takes place in our world, but with
various elements borrowed from other supernatural books or movies. For example,
in Vampire Academy, the vampire world is divided into three groups: the royal
Moroi (kind of like the hierarchical structure of Underworld), who have a
definitive lifespan, can walk in the sunlight, and drink only the blood humans
willingly give. They’re protected by the Dhampir, half-human, half-vampire
guardians whose only purpose is to care for the Moroi. And they are tasked with
protecting the Moroi specifically from the Strigoi, immortal, bloodthirsty, and
violent vampires (basically the personification you’ll recognize most) who want
to mess up the royal order.
Amid all this drama live Moroi princess Lissa (Lucy
Fry) and her Dhampir guardian Rose (Zoey Deutch), who ran away from their boarding
school, St. Vladimir’s Academy in Montana, when Rose thought Lissa was in danger
from the Stringoi there. But after a couple of years on the run, they’re found
and taken back to school, where they learn Lissa’s one-time popularity is now
gone. Instead, there are bitchier, bullying girls on top of the school pyramid
now, and Lissa is basically an outsider. So she and Rose are forced to make new
friends, such as the nerdy Natalie (Sarah Hyland, of Modern Family), and get
new love interests (I mean, obviously).
And what love interests! I guess they’re handsome,
if you’re into the generic-teen-model, not-good-with-conversation type. Rose
becomes more and more attracted to her mentor, the older Dmitri (Danila
Kolovsky), who takes over guarding Lissa as Rose perfects her training. And
Lissa strikes up a friendship, and then more, with fellow outsider Christian (Dominic
Sherwood), whose parents chose to become Strigoi and were then killed by
guardians. It’s public knowledge, and not something that endears him to his
classmates … or to Rose.
And that dislike between Rose and Christian,
therefore causing a rift between Rose and Lissa, is just one of the film’s
many, many subplots. Too many. There’s Lissa worrying about which magical
specialty she should choose (because vampires can do magic, apparently); the
bullying she receives at the hands of other classmates and how she harms
herself in response; how she gets drawn into the relationship between Natalie
and her dying father (played by a he-should-be-embarrassed-by-himself Gabriel
Byrne); and her concern about not acting appropriately for her princess status.
And then there’s also Rose’s issues, which include her distrust of Christian;
her concern about Lissa and why dead animals start appearing in her room; her
uncontrollable attraction for Dmitri; and her ability to read Lissa’s mind.
And that’s not even everything that’s going on; I
just forgot some stuff. Because it’s impossible not to forget some stuff in a movie this jam-packed with stupidity
and silliness.
To be fair, the movie might be somewhat self-aware,
but I’m only guessing that because of Deutch’s performance, which is witty,
sarcastic, and appropriate for all this foolishness. Fry does little more than
pout and pose—the same goes for the male leads, actually—but Deutch really
chews the scenery in a good way. But is there really that much to command? The
script, unlike that of the Waters’ Bros. previous Mean Girls and Heathers,
doesn’t really give us a strong sense of how these girls would actually
communicate; it’s just like Gossip Girls with the insult “blood whore” thrown
in. Similarly problematic and with little explanation is how the Dhampir are
just totally cool with basically
being babysitting slaves for the Moroi their whole lives. Vampire society has
been around for hundreds of years, but are still using an antiquated royal
structure? I don’t know. It’s all just so … generic.
And that’s the thing—everything about Vampire
Academy feels interchangeable, from its convoluted mythology to its Abercrombie
model-like actors, from its overly pop culture-referencing dialogue to its final
bad guy reveal. Another young-adult adaptation bites the dust.
Rating: 0.5 out of 5 Guttenbergs
