Review: Orphan

If there's one thing I've learned through years of movie watching, it's to never trust the sole surivor of any catastrophy. I don't care if it's an old dude, a chick, or in this case a little Russian girl. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happens when little Esther(Isabelle Fuhrman) is adopted by John(Peter Saarsgard) and Kate(Vera Farmiga). I'm assuming it's no coincidence that this troubled pair has the same name as another more famous troubled couple with a bunch of kids. Upon thinking on it further, they bear more of a resemblance to eachother than I thought. Including John's wandering eye and obvious boredom. John and Kate recently suffered a tragedy with the death of their unborn child, and it's ripping their family apart. Deciding that they have way too much time on their hands, they decide to adopt a child rather than spending more of that time with the two young kids they already have. One of whom, the daugher, is mostly deaf. The son is a troublemaker and something of a bully.

Shopping for a kid to adopt from a shady lookin' orphanage that looks like the rundown old home from The Cider House Rules rarely pans out. John and Kate bring home the cupie doll-lookin' Esther based off a very brief conversation with her, immediately charmed by her wide smile and penchant for art. Once they get home, things begin to take a turn for the worse. Accidents keep happening when Esther is around. A girl falls and breaks her ankle, things catch on fire, cars lose control. A few people kinda get killed, too. Kate begins to get suspicious, but Esther is a well trained manipulator and begins playing the two parents against eachother. Kate has a bit of a sordid past, and she uses this to draw out John's mistrust. There's a hint of something sexual between he and little Esther, which is both gross and...well, it's really just gross. Esther's venom seems to be aimed squarely at Kate.

Orphan is actually quite a bit of devilish fun for the first half. Esther is an evil child who toys with everyone around her. The first time she gets bullied by one of the girls in school and Esther shoots her the most evil glare, it's hard not to laugh as the once tough bully nearly pees her pants. But the most delicious stuff comes from the way she manipulates poor, beaten down Kate. Vera Farmiga can play this role with her eyes closed at this point. Whenever you need a somewhat attractive, put upon housewife who's kid is either a murderer or a suspect in a shooting, she's the one you call. Plus there seems to be some strange fetish with her getting nailed in the kitchen. I swear I've seen more of her gettin' tenderized on the countertop than a steak on the Food Network.

Where Orphan falls apart is when Esther's plot goes full-tilt, and what was once a devious game of cat and mouse turns into a standard bloodletting. Too often does director Jaume Collet-Serra(House of Wax) rely on cheap booms and clangs to elicit false scares. The movie is creepy enough without all of that, and it's like he didn't trust the material or the actors to handle their share of the burden. The second half suffers mainly because it because it just takes itself far too seriously. I think they had the balance just right. It's a film about a murderous child trying to kill her way into the family. It's beyond silly. Embrace that part of it! I will say that there is a beautiful twist to be found here. One that puts the entire film into a new perspective, and is probably the best reason to see it.

I find it hard to believe that actual adoption organizations have been in an uproar over this film because they think it depicts the adoption process as shady and evil, and adopted kids as heinous villains or something. Are they serious? I guess having roving packs of celebrities scooping up kids by the armload to use as props for their photo-ops has been a boon to the adoption business. Here's hoping none of them scrounge up one like Esther. Ok, maybe Jolie deserves an Esther.

5/10