For the umpteenth time, Allen shoehorns his neuroses on a pair of couples in struggling marriages. Helen(Gemma Jones) and Alfie(Anthony Hopkins) are recently separated after forty years of marriage. He's having something of a midlife crisis and has taken to working out excessively, buying fancy sports cars, and tanning. Disillusioned with life, she's put all her faith into a psychic who tells her whatever it takes to keep her spirits up. Helena's also become a burden to her daughter, Sally(Naomi Watts), stuck in a dying marriage to failed writer, Roy(Josh Brolin).
As Alfie hooks up with a hot, young ex-prostitute(the hilarious Lucy Punch), everybody else allows their inhibitions to drop and begin pursuing more meaninful relationships with other people. Sally falls head over heels for her boss(Antonio Banderas), while Roy hooks up with the sexy woman(Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto) in red that he's been gawking at from across the apartment.
This is a reference that might go over some people's heads, but I like to consider Woody Allen the Chris Claremont of filmmakers. For those that don't know, Claremont was the man who put the Uncanny X-men on the map. He's a legend. Nobody disputes that. He's been around for decades and has produced tons of classic stories. If I handed you one of his comics right now to read you would throw it in my face and ask me why I'm trying to torture you. Some would call his style of writing "classic". I and many others call it"old". "Boring" would be a good word. Allen has fallen into this category now. Naomi Watts is one of the best actresses working today and not even she can make his stilted dialogue sound natural. Josh Brolin's character is written so badly I'm convince Woody Allen has never met an actual human male ever, much less spent his entire life as one. Don't even get me started on how every woman is written like a mindless puppet.
There's so much wasted talent that there ought to be criminal charges filed. Why is Anthony Hopkins even in this? On the surface it seems like playing an older guy trying to prove he's still vital would be right up his alley. He's given nothing to do. Nobody is, and the reason goes back to a problem I've had with Allen's writing for years. All the essential character bits are left off of the screen. Instead we get this flatly toned narrator who glosses over the stuff we really need to be seeing acted out. All the major twists and turns aren't there. We just get them described to us like this was a book on tape. He did the same thing with Vicky Christina Barcelona, but at least that film had a smoldering cast to support it. There's no sizzle to be found. Allen's trademark wit is sadly evaporated.
It's been a long time since Woody Allen's heyday. We're a far cry from Annie Hall
territory, but we're only 5 years removed from Match Point, arguably his best work of the last 15 years. The same guy who wrote that can't be the same guy who keeps giving us drek like this. Avoid.
