WELL! If last night’s episode of Game of Thrones, “Walk
of Punishment,” didn’t run you through a whole gamut of emotions—elated to
sympathetic to anxious to flat-out mind-fucked—then you’re probably not a real person.
I mean, seriously. You’re probably a cyborg, and you’re freaking me out.
If you were required, for the sake of argument, to critique
the previous two episodes of the season, I suppose you could suggest that “Valar
Dohaeris” and “Dark Wings, Dark Words” moved a little slowly. Everyone just
seems to be meandering around everywhere. But “Walk of Punishment” is a great maneuvering
episode, a fantastic setup for some irreversible character movement, and it
made me gasp out loud—no bullshit—no less than four times. FOUR TIMES. THAT IS
A LOT OF GASPING.
Were my gasp-worthy moments your gasp-worthy
moments? For the five best things from last night’s season three Game of Thrones episode, “Walk
of Punishment”—named after the line of tortured, dying Unsullied slaves lining the
roads of Astapor—click through!
(Oh, and of course: SPOILERS ahead!)
1. Robb’s
uncle Edmure is, to put it mildly, basically a dumbass. We get a good
contrast of Edmure's relationship with his own uncle, Brynden—who every single
person calls “the Blackfish,” a nickname that suitably works for his
no-nonsense, take-zero-bullshit personality—when Edmure fails miserably at
setting his father’s Hoster’s ship-pyre on fire and Brynden zooms an arrow
into it in one fell swoop. So, Edmure: useless. Brynden: so useful! Their
relationship is fairly contentious in the books because of Edmure’s power-hungry-but-worthless-strategically
personality, so keep an eye on the two of them. As Robb notes, “It’s not
about glory,” but that’s just Robb speaking for Robb. Edmure,
unfortunately, doesn’t have the same moral code.
2. “Titles do
seem to breed titles,” says Littlefinger, and damn if that man doesn't keep on moving up in the world. The one and only Petyr
Baelish is sent by Tywin Lannister to the Vale to woo Lady Arryn, Catelyn
Stark’s sister and widow of the former Hand, meaning that his position as
Master of Coin is free … for Tywin to give to Tyrion. Ruh roh. And things
look especially bad for Tyrion when he realizes that the Kingdom is
millions in debt, not only to daddy Tywin but also to the Iron Bank of
Braavos, who—if they don’t get paid back—will start lending money to the
Kingdom’s enemies instead. Good luck solving that shit, Tyrion! At least
he has Bronn on his side. Bless the mercenary for not understanding the
concept of borrowing money: “What if I don’t” pay you back, he asks, and
well, that whore-loving killer does raise an interesting question. What
if? Especially with an epic wedding coming, it doesn’t seem like the
Kingdom will be rolling in dough any time soon. That Joffrey will be such a bridezilla.
3. Dany pulls
a ballsy move this week by deciding to purchase all 8,000 of the Unsullied
slaves in Astapor, sparring with both Jorah Mormant and Ser Barristan
Selmy, Kingsguard deserter-turned-Targaryen-advisor, in the process. I
mean, sure, Dany agrees to trade a dragon for all the castrated warriors
the city has to offer. But do you think Dany would honestly part with her children in
such a way, especially after seeing her turn down an eternal fantasy with
Khal Drogo and her son Rhaego, the Stallion Who Mounts the World, in the House
of the Undying last season? Doubtful. Dany is about to go hard as a
motherfucker up in Astapor; just wait for it.
5. And, last but not least, there’s Jaime, who ACTUALLY REALLY DOES DESERVE A HUG AND A BIONIC PETER PETTIGREW-TYPE HAND at the end of this episode, because the very insane, very spiteful, very “I hate you because you’re a rich Lannister” Locke chops off Jaime’s right hand—his sword hand—in the final few seconds of the episode. Jaime had already saved Brienne from being raped by Locke and his men by informing them (and, by extension, us) that she’s the daughter of the lord of the Sapphire Isle, and therefore very rich indeed, and it was probably the only good thing Jaime has ever done for anyone else without wanting anything to return. (I was particularly affected by him warning Brienne of what those men would try to do to her: "If I was a woman I’d make them kill me. I’m not, thank the gods.") And yet, goodbye, hand that slayed the Mad King; hand that threw Bran Stark out a window; hand that made Jaime Lannister Jaime Lannister. You’ll be sorely missed. And, legitimately, I’m not being an asshole here. I think Jaime is one of a few characters throughout all of George R. R. Martin’s books who really shows phenomenal depth and development, and this dehanding is a real catalyst for that. My heart breaks for him.And here are some other brief, brief moments that broke my heart last night, because this episode gave me very many feelings that I cannot succinctly express in only five points:
+ Hot Pie decides to stay at the inn and let Arya and Gendry continue on with the Brotherhood Without Banners without him. As he notes to Arya, “My brother ain’t no king,” but he makes her a loaf of bread in the shape of a direwolf anyway. It’s a beautiful, sad, totally believable moment when the three of them stand there staring at each other, not sure how to say goodbye, parting with Hot Pie’s “Don’t get stabbed” and Gendry’s reply of “You don’t burn your fingers.” They’re the three best friends that anybody could have, and I just want to hug them all. (Well, I want to do more things to Gendry, but that’s beside the point.)
+ Talisa toys with the two teenage Lannisters
that Edmure Tully has taken hostage by telling them yes, her husband Robb Stark can
turn into a wolf at night, but that he “doesn’t eat children unless it’s a
full moon.” You’re safe for now, Lannister kids! But maybe you’ll die in a
tower just like in Richard III. That would be a nice Shakespeare call-out for
this show, which attracts British actors like nobody’s business.
+ The show checks in with Jon Snow and Mance
Rayder and everyone else beyond the Wall for a hot minute, informing us that
the White Walkers have their own very macabre sense of humor; they’ve left a
swirling star shape made of torn-off horse heads littered in the snow as a kind
of “Fuck off, we’ve been here already” message at the Fist of the First Men. (It’s
like an uber version of that very famous Godfather scene, no?) The 300 Night’s
Watch men who were with those horses? Missing.
