I will give True Blood this distinction: At least series
finale episode “Thank You” was not as bad as another series finale that aired
recently. Yes, I’m talking about Dexter. And, I could also be talking about The
Killing. And I won’t even get near the finale of How I Met Your Mother. All of
those were REALLY BAD, you guys. And although True Blood’s series finale last
night certainly didn’t light the world on fire, I was also mercilessly
unsurprised.
“Thank You” wasn’t so much disappointing as it was
shrug-worthy; this whole season has been about retconning this series into one
that supposedly really cared about its characters, about their happiness, about
a sense of closure. So we got happy little stories for each person, and
apparently happiness by True Blood’s definition is marriage and, most likely,
children. Single characters don’t really exist in True Blood’s world, and
apparently Hep-V vampires aren't a problem, either! Neither are werewolves or werepanthers or any of the
supernatural stuff that defined this show from the beginning. Ultimately “Thank
You” was about Sookie Stackhouse transitioning into the next stage of her life,
and if that sounds profoundly boring to you, welcome to the club.
So let’s go over the five most major things that happened
in last night’s series finale, and let’s rejoice that we never have to suffer
through another poorly written, badly plotted, frustratingly acted episode of
True Blood again. You were fun while you lasted, True Blood, but you should
have died years ago. So. Many. Years. Ago.
+ “You
deserve everything, Sookie. You deserve the world.” Oh
look, Sookie DID end up killing vampire lover Bill Compton, because apparently
killing Bill sets her free. Yes, that patriarchal ridiculousness ACTUALLY
HAPPENED. Bill tells her she deserves to get married and deserves to have
children, but he loves her too much to
let her go, so he basically twists her arm into killing him. Thankfully she
doesn’t use her ball of faerie light to do this, because that would COMPROMISE
HER INTEGRITY or something stupid, but she does stake him in his familial
coffin while he clutches a photograph of himself and his daughter. I … yeah, I’m
speechless.
Anyway, fast-forward four years later, when Sookie is,
guess what, pregnant and with a faceless bearded brunette man who is nice enough
to deep-fry a turkey for her for their big Thanksgiving dinner! No mention of
whether she’s had any contact with Eric in the years since, and no mention of
any grieving for Bill or for Alcide, HER OTHER DEAD LOVER. Why focus on those
things? Sookie getting pregnant and getting loved is clearly the most important
thing this show has to offer. And my feminist exhaustion knows no bounds.
+ “We
are going to kill Mr. Gus and steal New Blood from him.” Yup, that is exactly what Eric does, after a season of spinning his
wheels. Because couldn’t Eric and Pam have killed the Yakuza and Mr. Gus Jr. a
VERY LONG TIME AGO? Yes. And couldn’t they have killed Sarah Newlin, as
promised, a VERY LONG TIME AGO? Also yes. So why the fuck did this whole season
have them jumping from place to place, supposedly on their own mini-adventure
that ended with a thud? It was so tiring to watch, you guys.
Anyway, we end the series with the pair of them having
stolen the concept for New Blood, grown extremely rich from synthesizing Sarah
Newlin’s blood, returned Fangtasia to prominence, and returned Eric to his
throne and Pam to her PVC corset bustiers. Most importantly, though, they keep
Sarah Newlin chained up in the Fangtasia basement, dressed like a virginal
whore on her wedding night, charging vampires $100,000 per minute to drink her
blood. I guess that’s more embarrassing and terrible for Sarah Newlin than just
killing her, but as a victory for Eric and Pam, it rings hollow, no? They were
already rich, they were already prominent. So having them return to Fangtasia
feels like an outdated status quo that doesn’t apply anymore. Shrug.
+ “You
may kiss your vampire bride.” Oh hey, after approximately
ONE DAY of being back together, Hoyt and Jessica are getting married! You know
why? Because in his continuing parade of “I’m choosing to die, so everyone
should listen to every half-cocked idea I have about men and women and how they
should act,” Bill basically coerces Jessica and Hoyt into getting married
before he dies so he can give her away. No matter that Bill is CHOOSING to die,
so his argument that “I don’t know how much time I have left” is bullshit. No
matter that Jessica tells him she has very specific ideas of what she dreamed
her proposal and her wedding would be like, and he disregards them. No matter
any of that! Because Bill is the worst.
Anyway, Hoyt and Jessica (granted, the only romance I’ve
rooted most actively for on this show) get married, in a ceremony that is
officiated by Sheriff Andy (who agrees to let Hoyt and Jessica live rent-free
in Bill’s mansion, which he’ll inherit when Bill dies), attended by Arlene,
Holly, and Sookie, and best-manned by Jason. Why didn’t Jessica have a maid of
honor? Why didn’t Sookie just do it? I have so many questions, ugh. (Although I
will admit that I very much liked Andy’s “Love is love, plain and simple,” and
how it reinforced that once upon a time this show had actively smart things to
say about our country’s treatment of the LGBT community.)
+ Sookie:
“I’m a faerie.” Rev. Daniels: “No kidding!” Let’s
all agree that this might be the best dialogue exchange that has ever occurred in
all of True Blood’s seven seasons. I mean, what better way to encapsulate this
shitshow than that?
+ “I
like her, and I think you do, too.” Yes, Sookie, Jason
likes Bridget, even though they have known each other about a day. He likes her
so much that in four years, they’ll be married with three kids, still living in
Bon Temps, even though she was supposed to be an acclaimed marine biologist
back in Alaska! Who needs a career, am I right?
And in your final “What happened to them?” character
updates, we also learn that Sam and Nicole are still together with what seems
like two or three children; Arlene and her vampire boyfriend Kevin have
graduated to kissing; Lafayette and James are still together; Holly and Andy
are still together; Jessica and Hoyt are still together; Adilyn and stepbrother
Wade are still together; Tara’s mom and Rev. Daniels are still together; and Willa
is … still around, for whatever reason. Like I said earlier: relationships and
babies are the only indicators of personal fulfillment in the True Blood world.
And Bill’s death doesn’t seem to have affected anyone at all.
+
And our final edition of random thoughts and asides:
+ “To my mind, nostalgia and suicide don’t mix.” Really,
Sookie? Because that basically makes sense, since nostalgia is about yearning
to go back to an impossible time … so killing yourself would be the only
recourse … is that not clear?
+ Further proof that Bill eventually morphed into an
abusive boyfriend: Sookie asks “Why don’t you just break up with me?” and Bill’s
response is “I can’t … I love you too much.” Try harder, Bill. Try real harder.
+ Bill’s death outfit is a white long-sleeve henley? I
know he basically lived in that thing during the last seven seasons, but maybe
class this up a little bit.
+ Love all the Titanic-style dialogue they gave Sookie
during Bill’s death scene; “I can’t let go” and “I’ll never forget you” don’t
get any more Jack and Rose.
+ “Humans are slow.” Goodbye forever, Mr. Gus Jr. Although
there aren’t more Yakuza members or Tru Blood corporate head honchos who want
to continue coming after Eric and Pam for killing their men? That seems
unfeasible.
+ I need a gif of Eric’s head bob dance moves while
driving that Yakuza car full of dead henchmen bodies, IMMEDIATELY.
+ “Don’t you dare talk to me about Tara, do you
understand me?” Nice to see Pam finally acknowledge the death of her progeny
and lover, but too little, too late.
+ Some great lines from Pam in this final episode: Of
Bill’s book, she says “I kinda skimmed the whole thing looking for the parts
that were about me,” and of the possibility of a lesbian tryst with Sarah
Newlin, she says, “I wouldn’t let you go down on me for a billion dollars, and
as for me going down on you, there’s not enough money in the world.” Agreed.
+ “Did you get that bag of blood I left for you?” How are
you such a phenomenally decent person, Hoyt?!
+ “You can persevere; anything you want, Sookie, you are
entitled to it!” says Gram to a young, freckled Sookie. Yeah, whatever.
+ Let us marvel at Sookie’s excellent Southern girl
outfit: sweater, denim booty shorts, ankle boots. Well played.
+ I know Jason and Bridget were clearly destined to be
together in all their shared pretty white blondeness, but who the fuck is she
to reach for his phone that soon into their friendship? You don’t answer
someone’s phone until you know them for more than, I don’t know, two days? STEP
OFF, GIRL.
+ “Hoyt and I already hugged it out, so you carry on,
Father.” Stay gold, Jason Stackhouse.
+ Did anyone else feel like Eric and Pam’s New Blood was
basically FUBU for vampires? I mean, “From vampires, for vampires” is a very
specific marketing campaign.
+ “Personally, I’m thankful that you’re losing your
fucking mind!” I will miss you forever, Steve Newlin.
+ So when Jason says “It’s been a long fucking week, and
it’s been a weird fucking week,” does that mean this ENTIRE 10-EPISODE SEASON
has only taken place over the course of SEVEN DAYS? My head hurts, you guys.
You win, True Blood.
