One of the major problems was the bloated cast never really added anything
of value. What good were the creaky bones of Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van
Damme? Especially when there were so many characters neither really did much,
anyway? The Expendables 3 fixes that with the inclusion of Wesley
Snipes, Antonio Banderas, Kelsey Grammer (!!!!) and Mel Gibson, all of whom
attack their roles like they've been waiting for just this opportunity. Even the
screenplay, which is rife with all the terrible one-liners we'd be disappointed
not to hear, actually resembles a real story. Wha??? Heaven forbid somebody
remember to give these muscled behemoths something to do.
And what they do is make blowing stuff up and killing folks look like more
fun than it should. A daring train assault springs free Doc (Snipes), an
original Expendable locked away for years after a botched mission. He's keen
with a blade (how ironic that Blade is good with a blade! Oh, Sly aren't you
clever?) and makes good with the quips, which makes him perfect to rejoin
Barney (Stallone) and his team of grunting old mercs. And this time it's
perfectly okay to call these guys a bunch of old fogeys because that's
essentially what this film is all about. After taking down some random, vaguely
Middle Eastern bad guy, the Expendables are shot to crap by international arms
dealer Conrad Stonebanks (Gibson), leaving Hale Caesar (Terry Crews) in a coma.
Stonebanks, who probably has the worst name in Expendables history, has an old
beef with Barney that stretches back to the group's formation. He's dangerous;
so dangerous that Barney decides to leave his aging team in the dust and
recruit some new blood.
The junior league of modern hot shots consists of failed-Hercules Kellan
Lutz, sexy UFC champ Ronda Rousey, boxer Victor Ortiz, and Glen Powell.
With the exception of Rousey the new squad isn't nearly as interesting as the
old crew and watching their recruitment is a serious drag. But it does afford
us the chance to see Banderas as the chatty pest, Galgo, a mercenary nobody
seems to want on their team. Banderas knows the score on movies like this (he
was just in Machete Kills) and he's never been funnier. While he's too
old for it now but he would have made for one Hell of a Deadpool twenty years
ago, based on this badass and hilarious performance alone.
Whereas Harrison Ford, yes Han Solo himself, isn't given a whole lot to do he has a good time while doing it. Whooping and hollering while manning a
rescue copter, with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jet Li spraying bullets
dementedly by his side, it's easy to see that this is what The Expendables always
should have been. Another bright spot is Gibson, clearly indulging in yet
another chance to play a ridiculous bad guy (he was also in Machete Kills
in a similar role) who resembles the maniacal Martin Riggs if he went full-on
nuts. It's great stuff, slickly directed by Patrick Hughes who keeps the
pace moving while edging out the gory stuff that would have upset the MPAA
apple cart. For once the PG-13 rating didn't seem like an obstacle to be
overcome, and that's with more action than in the first two films combined. The
final sequence alone, a massive tank onslaught where every Expendable struts
their stuff, is a cornucopia of violence, terrible jokes, and amazing vehicular
feats that would make the Fast & Furious cast blush. Jason Statham
(kind of in the background this time) and Snipes measure their...knives...in
the middle of a firefight, Banderas hits on Rousey while she just hits people,
and Stallone is still somehow faster than artillery fire. Even the final
showdown lives up to expectations with Stallone delivering one truly amazing,
groan-worthy catchphrase that is destined to end up on t-shirts. In short, it's
pretty awesome. 
So what are the odds of there being an Expendables 4? Hopefully there won't
be any passing of the torch going on but with Stallone finally finding the
winning formula these can go on as long as his aging bones will allow. There
are still too many stars out there who need their moment in the napalm. One guy you won't ever see is Bruce Willis, who had a very public spat with Stallone over money and quit the movie after appearing in the first two. For a good time, count the number of occasions in which a character calls Willis' character, Mr. Church, an a-hole or disparages him in some way. Clearly the smoke has not cleared on that feud and hopefully the smoke hasn't cleared on The Expendables just yet.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
