America’s Sweetheart, a term that’s always brought to mind a
6’5” 260 lbs half-Samoan man…oh, that’s not what you were thinking? Well, then,
like most other things Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (who will always just be The
Rock to me) broke the mold. NOTE: We’re
going to some real man crush territory here so strap in. I feel confident
in saying that Johnson has the most raw charisma of anyone in Hollywood
history, it’s the only explanation for the fact that regardless of his film or
what he does in that film we love him. Those who disagree are either severe
contrarians or just downright cold. Whether it’s one of his wholly
inspirational social media accounts, the million dollar smile that let’s you
know everything’s going to be more than alright, or his best (and perhaps most
rare) trait…that extreme confidence, something he carries unlike anyone on the
planet. See, confidence is one of those things that generally makes people hate
you. Especially when you are all of the things that Dwayne Johnson is, yet
somehow that part of him actually makes him feel more approachable, like he
could be one of the guys. So why the love letter to The Rock? It’s really quite
simple, San Andreas, is the ultimate
test of his ability to make anything like-able. Knowing that you can now see why
the preamble was necessary. 
Here’s a quick history lesson kids. In a time before comic
book movies, from about 1994 to 2004, the disaster film was the hallmark of the
summer movie season with films like Armageddon,
Dante’s Peak, Twister, The Day After Tomorrow, and, of course, Independence Day if you didn’t destroy a
city in some way you didn’t have a blockbuster. While we still get a disaster
flick every now and then, think 2012’s…well 2012,
to say they’ve taken a back seat would be a severe understatement. In comes San Andreas, a text book disaster movie.
That’s an important thing to know, the textbook part I mean, before I even get
into it I’ll make clear some things that may answer whether you should see the
flick or not. It’s absolutely formulaic, about as scientific as a Harry Potter
movie, and is cheesier than a fondue party in Wisconsin. If that’s a big deal
for you I’ll save you some time, it’s not for you. For those of you still with
me Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson plays Ray Gaines a para-rescue helicopter pilot
and war vet with a daughter named Blake (Alexandra Daddario) who’s headed to
college and a soon to be ex-wife Emma (Carla Gugino) who’s moving on with her
life in the form of architect billionaire Daniel (Ioan Gruffudd). Elsewhere the
part of our scientist to whom no one listens is Lawrence (played by the
impossible not to love Paul Giamatti). Lawrence is a top-tier seismologist who,
as our film begins, is close to finding a way to predict earthquakes with his partner
Kim (Will Yun Lee). When their seismometers (I may have made that term up)
begin going off near the Hoover damn they head out to test their theory. They
were right, very very right. They find that there is an unknown fault basically
making a triangle from either end of the San Andreas Fault to the Las Vegas
area, and it’s ready to give our heroes the historic earthquake that we’re
about 100 years overdue for.
I usually have a paragraph listing a film’s fault but since
A. it would take far more than a paragraph and B. they should all be something
you’re expecting, I’ll just sum it up in a few sentences. First and foremost is
Lawrence, Paul Giamatti is reduced to issuing trivial warnings to Californians via
a hacked TV channel and yelling “Here it comes, get under the table!”. Logic,
Physics, general understanding of how things work, probabilities, common sense,
all of these things are completely non-existent in the world of San Andreas, so know that going in. They
don’t even attempt to have most of the movie make sense, from the intro which establishes
the tightness of Ray’s team only to have them completely disappear never to be
seen again to Ray’s daughter making a cell phone call immediately after a 9.6
earthquake. It’s the definition of mindless entertainment...but how does it
fair on the entertainment front?
Pretty damn good actually. As long as you prepare yourself
before hand to ignore all logic and reason San
Andreas delivers some of the most intense, well paced, morbidly beautiful
destruction you have ever seen. The earthquake sequences, which smartly start
VERY early on in the film, are simply awe-inspiring. I give them extra points
for the long shots showing the entire city (either L.A. or San Fran, take your
pick) not just shaking but moving in what can only be described as a wave. The
destruction is total, short of a nuclear blast I’ve never seen such destruction
in cinema. Last year’s Godzilla,
which also took place partly in San Francisco (that poor city is ALWAYS getting
destroyed) amounts to a mild hail storm when compared to the aftermath of the
quakes in this flick. It happens again and again but surprisingly you never
become numb to it, the filmmakers get points from me for their effort to show
the destruction on different levels each time, be it a skyscraper completely
tipping over or the ground splitting and rising so you can see a subway train
shoot out onto the street.
Alexandra Daddario and Carla Gugino are both fine in their
respective roles (and absolutely gorgeous, though that’s not something I’m
supposed to rate them on apparently) but without Dwayne Johnson this movie is
intolerable. I’m serious, even with the destruction being delicious eye candy
this film goes down as one of the worst of all time without ole’ Rocky.
Whatever “it” is, he’s got more of it than any other star in history…if
star power can be counted in midichlorians he’s Anakin Skywalker. There isn’t a
scene he’s in where he doesn’t have a situation or line that if done or said by
ANYONE else working today or any day simply falls as flat as something can
fall. I could go on and on but you get the point and there’s no point in
elaborating, he’s the Rock, being the Rock, in the midst of the worst on-screen
destruction ever committed to film and there’s really nothing more to say past
that.
There are so many ways to rip this film apart and as you
read reviews for it I’m sure you’ll see what I mean but at the end of the day
you have to ask yourself two questions. 1. Am I a fan of The Rock? 2. Am I able
to completely suspend disbelief and just allow myself to be enveloped by
ludicrous yet awe-inspiring destruction the kind of which the term “Popcorn
Movie” was made for? If the answer is yes then San Andreas is for you. If you answered no to one of the questions,
proceed at your own risk, and if the answer to both was no, then I heard Aloha is coming out this weekend too.
3 out of 5 Guttenbergs
