So here’s the thing: Henry Cavill is
going to be Superman in Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel next year, and I’m not
sure he’s going to be good. I know that Cavill is really, really, ridiculously
good-looking; I saw him be all handsome on The Tudors back in the day. I know
he can be all determined and do-gooder, like in the underwhelming Immortals last year. But a man on a hero’s quest to save his family—that’s basically
Cavill’s role in The Cold Light of Day, opening today, and let me tell you.
He is awful in it.
OK, let me be fair: It’s not just a Cavill problem. Bruce Willis and
Sigourney Weaver, who co-star in the film, are additionally terrible, and it’s the fault of director Mabrouk El Mechri and writers Scott
Wiper, John Petro, and Richard Price, too. Nothing about the spy thriller is
inspired or creative; when Will (Cavill) is introduced as the disgruntled son
of government employee Martin (Willis), you know they’re eventually going to
put their differences aside for something. That something ends up being saving
their family, who have been mysteriously kidnapped because of Martin’s
job—leading him to share with his son that he’s actually a CIA agent, working
with partner Jean (Weaver). How Martin and Will aspire to get their relatives
back, and how Jean figures in to all of it, is what makes up the rest of The
Cold Light of Day.
Do you need to see the movie?
Doubtful. But there are five things about it that made me think of Cavill’s
upcoming turn as Superman, reminding me of those first teaser trailers for Man
of Steel and inspiring me to consider how he’ll fare as Clark Kent.
You have to wonder
…
… Snyder will show Cavill’s face,
right?
The first shot of Cavill you see in The
Cold Light of Day is the back of his head, as he arrives in an airport,
meanders through it, and goes up to a ticket window, with the glass blocking
his eyes from us. He also wears sunglasses most of the time, so we’re
introduced to him first through his thick head of hair. What’s with this
practically anonymous first glance at Cavill? It’s not really clear why El
Mechri decided to show us Cavill this way, but considering that he’s pretty,
hopefully Snyder will do us right and show us, you know, his face.
… Will Cavill have better chemistry
with Man of Steel dads Kevin Costner and Russell Crowe?
As Cavill’s father in the film,
Bruce Willis seems bored out of his mind. His trademark sly grin is there, and
he angrily stares at Cavill a few times, but overall Willis just does not give a
shit about his performance in this movie. He phones it in like none other, and
it’s bad for the movie overall because it gives Cavill basically nothing to work with.
One dinner scene, meant to demonstrate their fractured relationship through a
story about harpoon fishing, is impressively lacking in charisma. In Man of Steel, Cavill can hopefully build up something better with Costner, who will play adoptive
father Jonathan Kent, and Crowe, who will play his biological father Jor-El,
because the absence of emotion between Cavill and Willis is a serious detriment
to The Cold Light of Day. It would be disheartening to see that befall Man
of Steel, too.
… Can Cavill fight?
Sure, he fires a gun a few times in The
Cold Light of Day, and his family mentions him being good at sports as a kid,
so he does a lot of running during the film’s chase scenes. But there isn’t
much hand-to-hand combat in the film, so it’s unclear whether Cavill has a
background in fighting skills or needs to be fully trained for Man of Steel. Or, maybe we should be wondering how action-heavy Snyder wants to make the
film—his previous comic book adaptation, Watchmen, had a fair amount of
combat, but maybe he’ll want Superman to be less violent? It’s an interesting
question to consider, given how artsy and The Tree of Life-like the trailers
for Man of Steel have been—maybe fighting won’t be Snyder’s, or therefore
Cavill’s, main focus?
… Will Cavill be able to tame his British
accent?
So, Cavill is British, and in The
Cold Light of Day, you can tell. His accent wavers quite often and he rarely
inflects his voice with much emotion, perhaps because that would demonstrate
his Britishness; for the film, it means that Will ends up being a monotonous,
seemingly robotic character. But that can’t fly for the emotional, sensitive
Clark Kent or the determined, righteous Superman, so Cavill really needs to get
his shit together. I don’t want to be watching Man of Steel and wincing every
time Cavill lets his accent slip, reminding us that he’d be more at home partying with Prince Harry
than President Obama. Keep it in check, dude.
… He’s going to get more toned, isn't he?
Look, I am not going to pretend that
I am the most in-shape person. Chances are, whenever you’re reading this, I’m
eating ice cream covered in candy and bacon, or something equally disgusting and
delicious, and rationalizing it by saying, “Well, I had a really hard day, so …”
But no one cares how I look! I’m not going to be Superman! And Cavill has a
nice face and all, but his shirtless scenes in The Cold Light of Day are not
that impressive, in stark contrast with his super-muscular arms in the Man of
Steel trailer. So, I’m confused. Maybe all the chest hair is throwing me off?
Maybe he’s on a crazy Christian Bale-like diet regime, building up muscle every
second that I’m spooning that hypothetical ice cream in my mouth? All I’m
saying is, the man who is going to be playing a super-fit alien who makes ladies
all around the world swoon better be showing us his bod in Man of Steel, and
it better be good. I need some more reverse misogyny after the glorious bounty that was Magic Mike, and
here’s to hoping Man of Steel can deliver that.
