The entire time I was watching “First of His Name,” I kept
angrily muttering under my breath, “This didn’t happen in the books,” because I
am a crazy person. Yes, that insanity informs these recaps, but as Benioff and
Weiss keep deviating from George R.R. Martin’s source material, you should
maybe get a little concerned for my safety. Or maybe the safety of my
television, because I might be throwing things at it.
But for all my grumbling, I have to admit that while “First
of His Name” was (again) a somewhat disappointing episode, at least it wasn’t horrendously
egregiously wrong (ahem, Jaime/Cersei
basically-rape scene in "Breaker of Chains") or horrendously egregiously stupid (ahem, all that crap going down at Craster’s Keep, again with
more unnecessary rape scenes, in "Oathkeeper"). For the most part, “First of His Name” took the
constructed-for-the-show plot threads and tidily tied them off, and we came to
the end of the road for some characters who we didn’t really need to worry
about anyway.
And throughout the whole episode, there were two themes
running: what happens to little girls specifically, and what happens to people
without power on a larger scale. Sansa with Littlefinger, Arya with the Hound,
even Myrcella in Dorne—if these noble young women aren’t safe in this world,
who is? And “First of His Name” had one of the most important reveals of not
only this season, but the entire show up until this point, with Lysa’s
blabbering conversation with her finally-husband Littlefinger.
Actually, let’s start off with that reveal in our five
things to know about this episode. And, as always, SOME SPOILERS AHEAD.
+ “What wife would do
for you the things I’ve done for you?” Oh, Lysa Arryn, you crazy, pathetic,
sympathetic, completely evil bitch. Here’s the deal with Lysa and her
background with Petyr, some of which the show has covered and some of which it
has not: When they were children, Petyr Baelish came to live with the Tullys as
a ward of theirs, and became best friends with Catelyn and the crush of younger
sister Lysa. But Catelyn never reciprocated his love for her, and when she
became betrothed to Brandon Stark, Petyr challenged him to a duel for her; he
got properly spanked in the challenge and festered that resentment for years.
Brandon would eventually die, Catelyn would eventually marry Ned, and then
years later, Lysa would write Catelyn a letter telling her that the Lannisters
poisoned her husband Jon Arryn, who was like a second father to Ned—sparking every single thing that has gone down
between the Starks and the Lannisters since.
And who was behind that all along? The one and only Petyr
Baelish, who has used Lysa’s obsessive love for him as a manipulation tool for years. She poisoned her husband for him; she lied to Catelyn for him. And now
they’re married, she’s screaming like a banshee in bed (what was more repulsive, Lysa
saying, “I’m warning you, I’m going to scream when my husband makes love to me,”
or her trying to eat his face while making out?), and she’s paranoid and
freaked out about Sansa, who Petyr is passing off as his bastard niece, Alayne
Stone. (Fun fact! In the books, Petyr lies and says Sansa is his own bastard
daughter, which is infinitely creepier; I guess Benioff and Weiss thought that
was too weird to include in the show; but, you know, manufactured rapes are OK).
If you need any more reason to feel sympathy for
Sansa/Alayne, just consider that awful conversation between her and Lysa, in
which her aunt shows her full crazy: “Why. Why does he feel responsible for
you?” and “What have you let Petyr do with your body? Your young, pretty body?”
and “You’ll be free to marry Robin. You’ll be the Lady of the Vale, hmm?” You
know, because marrying an 8-year-old prone to seizures and throwing people out
of the Moon Door is really what Sansa wants in life. Thanks for nothing,
Littlefinger.
+ “I’m almost done.
Only one name left. The Hound.” Oh, Stark girls, why can’t you ever catch a
break? Because while Sansa is suffering in the Vale, Arya is suffering in the
Riverlands, still with the Hound and still receiving his particular brand of
education—which is basically him hitting her and telling her she’s stupid. All
those people who thought Arya and the Hound were funny together, like a
buddy-cop duo—most buddy-cop duos don’t
want to murder each other.
And yet Arya and the Hound are at each other’s throats this
week. He mocks her prayer (“Joffrey. Cersei. Walder Frey. Meryn Trant. Tywin
Lannister. The Red Woman. Beric Dondarrion. Thoros of Myr. Ilyn Payne. The
Mountain … the ones I’m going to kill”), but when he hears her say “the Hound”
as the final name on her list, his reaction is half-smirk, half-glower. He takes
it further the next day, mocking her water dancing (although that one-handed
cartwheel was very impressive, Arya!) and her (not-confirmed-but-probably-dead)
teacher Syrio Forel: “I bet his hair’s greasier than Joffrey’s cunt.” But even
Arya’s stabbing of him doesn’t work out for her, as she receives a backhand for
her trouble and a reminder that “armor” and a “big fucking sword” are more
worthwhile in their world than any kind of fancy footwork.
But Arya has to get her revenge in this life or the next,
right? Because “stick them with the pointy end” is advice that has to be used
on the Hound eventually.
+ “Everywhere in the
world, they hurt little girls.” The Cersei sympathy campaign marches on
this week, as Benioff and Weiss do their best to make us feel for the Queen
Regent. I have my own thoughts on Cersei, and usually they’re along the lines
of “NOPE, fuck off,” but it sure seems like the show did its damn hardest this
week to make us care for her.
First there was the conversation with Margaery, who was
eye-fucking Tommen during his crowning ceremony only to get cock-blocked by
Cersei stepping into her line of vision. But then Cersei acknowledged to
Margaery that Joffrey would have been “her nightmare,” and says of her
relationship with her now-dead first-born son: “You never love anything in the
world the way you love your first child. It doesn’t matter what they do. And
what he did, it shocked me. Do you think I’m easily shocked? The things he did
shocked me.”
So here’s the thing about Cersei from the books: She never,
ever, EVER has any regret, ever, and would never
sink so low as to tell Margaery that she needs her help with anything. So
when Cersei says that Tommen “will need help, if he’s going to rule well,” I
laughed out loud, because that is not the manipulative, cruel, cold-hearted,
haughty Cersei that I know, love, and hate all at once. I’m not sure what
Benioff and Weiss are doing here—maybe they’re trying to humanize Cersei a bit
before some stuff that eventually goes down, for which I am LOOKING FORWARD TO
VERY MUCH—but they continued to lay it on thick, with Cersei agreeing that she’ll
marry Loras and then building a ship for Myrcella and asking Prince Oberyn to
deliver it to her daughter in Dorne. Did we ever see Cersei even talk to the daughter
that she now “misses … very much?” I cannot remember one scene in which they
interacted in a positive way, but hey, that’s Cersei. Clawing at her children
until she tears them to shreds.
And perhaps the same thing could be said of Tywin, who
informs Cersei that the Lannisters are basically out of money and in severe
debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos (yes, that name keeps coming up again, from
the Queen of Thorns to Stannis). “Wars swallow gold like a pit in the earth,”
and the constant squabbling for the crown has left the Lannisters practically
broke. So as much as the Tyrells need the Lannisters to make Margaery a queen,
the Lannisters need the ultra-rich Tyrells to keep them afloat. Yay, politics!
+ “I heard you like
ships.” Daario, you cheesy bastard! In our shortest check-in with Dany
to date, we see her favorite sellsword boasting about capturing the Meereenese
navy for her, but against the wishes of advisors like him, Jorah Mormont, and
Ser Barristan, Dany decides to stay put in her vanquished slave city and rule.
Why, you might ask? Because 10,000 men can’t capture all of Westeros, and
although Dany has three dragons, that won’t necessarily turn the tides in her
favor.
And, there’s the little fact that the slave cities Dany liberated
before arriving in Meereen are, well, going to shit. Yunkai is back under the
control of slavers, and Astapor has been taken over by a butcher who named
himself king. Understatement of the year goes to Dany admitting “It appears my
liberation of Slaver’s Bay isn’t going quite as planned,” but because she is
one of the only characters in this entire universe that actually gives a fuck
about other people, she decides to stay put.
“Why should anyone trust me? Why should anyone follow me? …
I will not let those I have freed slide back into chains. I will not sail for
Westeros. I will do what queens do. I will rule.” Do you, Dany.
+ “I saw you die
tonight. I saw your body burn. I saw the snow fall and bury your bones.”
FUCK YEAH JOJEN REED. So far you might have thought to yourself, “Jojen Reed’s
seizures are getting really annoying, and I don’t understand why he and Meera
would stick along with Bran all this time.” Um, maybe because Jojen’s visions
are amazing, and his bemused, deadpan
takedown of rapist deserter Karl was the best thing about this storyline to date?
Yeah, that.
So yup, the mutineers led by Karl are dead, Craster’s Keep
is burned down, and half-brothers Bran and Jon Snow don’t meet, because Bran
has to continue his quest to find the three-eyed raven, which according to
Jojen, is “waiting” for Bran. In other news, Bran warged into Hodor and killed
Locke, who was trying to kidnap him to take back to Roose Bolton, and it’s a
move that shocked and horrified Hodor; his look at the blood on his hands was a
very chilling thing. How that impacts Bran’s relationship with Hodor moving
forward will be interesting to see.
And although I thought this Craster’s Keep storyline was so
far The Big Yawn of Season Four, I do think some things worked really well:
Jojen’s premonition to Karl, Karl’s death at the hands of Jon Snow (sword
through the mouth, yes!), Jon Snow’s reunion with his direwolf Ghost (fresh off
killing Rast, no less!), and Craster’s daughter/wives urging the Night’s Watch
to burn the place to the ground so they can make their own way. Some men just
want to watch the world burn, but if that world is Craster’s Keep, I have no
complaints.
+ And here, some
final thoughts:
+ “They’ll say I wasn’t a very good squire. … Mostly I poured
wine.” We get a brief check-in with Brienne and Pod, who are slowly beginning
to warm to each other. I loved Brienne’s shock and fear at Pod moving to take
off her armor (any kind of undressing would freak out the virginal, abused,
emotionally ruined Brienne), but her eventual respect at him killing a
Kingsguard to save Tyrion was completely warranted. Be best friends, you guys.
+ “After I turn sad, I grow angry.” WHERE HAS THE RED VIPER
BEEN? I kind of refuse to believe that he would just be sitting in the royal
gardens, writing poetry, but I did appreciate the short scene we get with him
and Cersei. Yes, he has eight daughters, and yes, four of them are from Ellaria
Sand, and yes, all of them are nicknamed the Sand Snakes, with the fifth one named
after Elia, his murdered sister. “We can avenge them,” indeed.
+ “The deed is done, faded into nothing. Only speaking of it
can make it real.” Loved that line from Petyr, who essentially uses it as a
very polite “Shut the fuck up” to his new wife Lysa as she blabs about
everything she’s done for him. And also thinking “Shut the fuck up” about Lysa …
+ … was Sansa, who had this excellent “Bitch, please” face
while listening to Lysa’s screams during her sexy times with Petyr. Ugh and
gross.
+ “I won’t even know what to call you. Sister? Or mother?”
Bless your heart, Margaery Tyrell.
+ “He used to pat me on the back a lot,” Tywin complains of
now-dead son-in-law Robert Baratheon. Totally makes sense that Tywin would be a
“NO TOUCHING” relative.
+ In further “Why can’t Benioff and Weiss lay off the rape
already?” questions, did we really need Karl threatening Meera by saying, “No
dresses for you. You like it rough, don’t you?” SHE’S LIKE FOURTEEN. Can we
PLEASE give the sexual violence a rest?
+ And finally, also regarding the Reeds: Was that Jojen
seeing his own death by being burned alive? Because THAT HASN’T HAPPENED IN THE
BOOKS YET AND NOW I AM VERY INTRIGUED.
