Seven Kingdoms Scoop: ‘Game of Thrones’ recap of season five episode ‘Hardhome’

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Game of Thrones just Godfather III’d me back into its life with the eighth episode of this season, “Hardhome,” and I can’t even complain. I can’t! … I mean, I can, because I always can. Little quibbles are my life’s work. But holy shit, for the most part, “Hardhome” was an excellent hour of television. NIGHT’S KING FOR LIFE.

I don’t even need to say anymore. Let’s just jump right into it, starting obviously with …

+ “The Long Night is coming, and the dead come with it.” Well, we’ve seen the enemy, and the Night’s King and the White Walkers are not fucking around. If that final gaze between the Night’s King and Jon Snow wasn’t the former basically daring the latter to “Come at me, bro,” I don’t know what the fuck it was. These 20 minutes were fantastic, thrilling, terrifying, creepy, excellent – I could keep going, but this scene was one of the best things the show has done up until this point, and the best episode of The Walking Dead that never was. Sequences like this are the reason to watch this show. Yes. Yes.

So everything goes to shit fairly quickly, no? Jon Snow arrives in Hardhome with Tormund Giantsbane, Dolorous Edd, and other members of the Night’s Watch in tow to reason with the wildlings there, to bring them from Hardhome back to the Wall, to give them the Gift (land given to the Night’s Watch that they were supposed to keep, but that they’ll give to the wildlings as a way to convince them to cross through the Wall), and to keep them from turning into undead wights in the White Walkers’s army, but things don’t go that well. Tormund kills the doubting Rattleshirt (putting to rest any Mance Rayder conspiracy theorists; sorry, guys); the Thenn chieftain wants nothing to do with them; and although Tormund manages to convince the warrior Karsi (played by the same actress who leads the German group Das Sound Machine in Pitch Perfect 2, which you should see) and a few thousand other people to come with them, for the most part, the wildlings stay behind.

And then – and then – the White Walkers came. On their horses on the cliff, watching the devastation below as their army of undead wights swallowed the wildlings into their ranks – the feet of the wildlings disappearing from under the gate as they were absorbed into the snow clouds and then spit back out as undead – the giant (book readers, are we thinking that’s Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun?) smashing on wights and tearing them limb from limb – and Jon Snow battling the White Walker, realizing that his Valyrian steel sword Longclaw can kill one, as dragonglass could. (Makes sense, because Valyrian steel was made with dragonfire and imbued with all kinds of different spells; as Tyrion was telling Jorah during their journey a few episodes ago, the Valyrians were experimenting with all kinds of magic before the Doom.)

But there’s no victory here. Sure, Jon Snow lives to see another day – as do Tormund and Edd; RIP, Karsi and Thenn guy who ended up with a noble death after being a dick – but he’s seen what the White Walkers can do. He sees the Night’s King raising up his army of wights like it’s nothing; he’s seen the undead’s eyes opening and turning to that eerie, frosty light blue. That unbroken eye contact was a straight power move from the Night’s King after a series of already-frightening power moves, and what it means for Jon Snow, the Night’s Watch, the wildlings, everyone else in the kingdom – well, we’re all fucked, aren’t we?

+ “I’m not going to stop the wheel. I’m going to break the wheel.” Yes, I stand by thinking that the first meeting of Tyrion and Dany was vaguely anticlimactic. But this week, their Who Can Be More Articulate? sparring session was very fun to watch – Dany is a great speaker who we rarely see engaging with other people at this point (aside from Daario, blech), and Tyrion has been so into his cups lately (or pulling a Cersei, as I’m going to start calling it) over his lingering Tywin/Shae rage that he hasn’t been as astute or cutting as we know he can be.

And yet! Their talking to and around and through each other this time (“Here we sit, two terrible children of two terrible fathers”) was quite well done, from Tyrion parceling out what kind of response Dany wanted from him about Jorah, to his flattery-infused analysis of Dany’s rise, calling her “the right kind of terrible” (anyone else notice Dany’s slight lip twinge when Tyrion off-handedly referred to Khal Drogo as “some warlord”?), to his real-talk comment that maybe she isn’t ready for the Iron Throne, and maybe Westeros isn’t ready for her. Why not stay in Slaver’s Bay?, he wonders, why not try to help people who clearly need helping?

But that’s not Dany’s endgame here – breaking the wheel, with her dragons and her army, is. And what that means – an end to monarchy, or an end to the House system, or maybe some kind of democracy? – is an interesting thing to consider, since it means Dany has to definitively pick a path forward. With Tyrion as an adviser now, I’m intrigued by what that path could be.

+ “Confess.” Cersei’s plight continues this week, and no one cackled more than I did when she slurped that water from the disgusting as shit (maybe literally?) floor of her cell. No one! But in her scenes this week, we learned some valuable things: Septa Unella does not give zero fucks about helping her, continuing the Faith Militant doesn’t fuck around characterization; Tommen has locked himself in his room, so distraught over the capture of both his wife and his mother that he’s stopped eating; Qyburn’s experiments with the body of the Mountain are still going strong; Cersei’s trial for “fornication, treason, incest, and murder” (of King Robert, natch) is coming up; no one has heard from Jaime in Dorne; and Maester Pycelle, who Cersei undermined in her increasing reliance on Qyburn, has summoned Cersei’s uncle and Lancel’s father Kevan back from Casterly Rock, and he’s now serving as the Hand of the King and presiding over the Small Council.

Lots of stuff to digest here, and of special interest is the update about Pycelle and Kevan (…ahem, BOOK READERS, ahem) and Cersei’s continued disregard of the High Sparrow, given what she considers to be his betrayal of her: “I made him. I rose him out of nothing. I will not kneel before some bare-footed commoner, beg his forgiveness!” But Cersei does end up kneeling on the floor to drink that spilled water, and if she can kneel then, what are the odds that she’ll kneel again? Probably pretty good.

+ “It is all the same to the Many-Faced God.” Arya’s training at the House of Black and White continues this week, as she receives her first assignment from The Man Who Is Not Jaqen H’ghar: killing the “thin man” she sees at the harbor, refusing to pay sailors and ship merchants. The insurer is playing the odds on whether ships will successfully arrive in Braavos or not, and his lack of concern regarding the lives he may be ruining has angered someone’s widow, who turned to the Faceless Men for her revenge (although, minor narrative quibble: how did she have the money to pay them?). The assignment is for Arya, who is now going by the name Lana and using her oyster cart gig to explore and memorize the city, as well as gather intel on the thin man before she gives him “a gift.”

But is Jaqen really sure that she’ll succeed? We saw him shrug off the Waif’s concerns about whether Arya/Lana is ready with his wishy-washy characterization of the Many-Faced God, but who knows if that’s just a continuation of Jaqen spinning half-truths to everyone around him or if he legitimately doubts that Arya/Lana will get the job done. I think it’s the former, but we’ll see.

+ “They weren’t Bran and Rickon.” TRUTH BOMB in Winterfell this week, as we see Sansa turning her hatred and disgust of Theon/Reek into a piece of information that alters everything she thinks about her family: Bran and Rickon aren’t dead. Theon/Reek lets the information slip as she’s tearing into him for betraying and tearing apart her family (“If I could do what Ramsay did to you, right here, right now, I would”), and although he insists “There is no Theon,” telling Sansa this secret has to be a step forward into reclaiming his Greyjoyness, right? Or is Theon just going to turn around and tell Ramsay what he told Sansa? I have to hope not.

Also, I will say that I’m pleased Sansa this week is taking charge and pushing forward. Forcing Theon/Reek to tell her the truth is a huge step – and yeah, I could see one arguing that Sansa’s rape led to this place with Theon, which I don’t disagree with – and it fundamentally alters yet another thing she thought about the Starks. Jon Snow isn’t dead. Bran and Rickon aren’t dead. That means there are four Stark children living (let’s count Jon here, because Sansa doesn’t question his parentage like we did), not just Sansa herself. And if her goal becomes reuniting her family instead of assisting in whatever Littlefinger wants her to do – well, that would be interesting indeed.

And, some final thoughts:

+ Do the White Walkers and the wights not like water, then? Was that some world-building when they watch Jon Snow and Co. float away? Or was it just another mindgame from the Night’s King – something along the lines of, ‘We’ll let you escape now, but we’re coming for you”? I wonder.

+ “So would mine, but fuck them, they’re dead.” Karsi was amazing, and she will be missed.

+ “Keep your glass, King Crow.” So the stash of dragonglass that Jon brought is gone, then, right? It got left in that burning building while he was fighting the White Walker? Unfortunate – especially because there aren’t that many Valyrian steel swords left in the world yet, either. Ned Stark’s Ice was melted down to become Oathkeeper, which Jaime gave Brienne, and Widow’s Wail, which when Joffrey died theoretically passed to Tommen. And Sam’s terribly abusive father Randyll Tarly also has one – which makes me wonder if he will end up visiting his family next season to try and get the sword for the war. Questions, questions.

+ So Jorah is taking his greyscale to the fighting pits, then? Is this a revenge move – unleashing a greyscale epidemic in Meereen because of Dany’s continued rejection of him? Or am I just being too cynical?

+ “He worships you. He’s in love with you, I think.” Well, yes, seeing Jorah courting a prostitute who looks just like Dany would suggest that.

+ “Leave a feast for the crows.” A nice nod to book readers and the title of George R.R. Martin’s fourth book from Ramsay this week, who wants “20 good men” to fight off/infiltrate Stannis’s forces marching upon Winterfell. This is in direct contrast to daddy Roose’s wishes that House Bolton “wait for them to freeze,” but I wonder if Roose will give Ramsay this mission as a way to prove himself?

+ Kind of irritating that Arya is named “Lana” instead of “Cat of the Canals” in her new life as an oyster seller, but I guess any reference to Cat (a.k.a. Catelyn Stark) is nixed by the showrunners whenever they get the chance. GODDAMMIT, WHERE IS LS?!

+ Some wonderful Tyrion dialogue this week: “You want revenge against the Lannisters? … I am the greatest Lannister killer of all time” and “Killing and politics aren’t always the same thing” were my faves.

+ And, of course, good nods to the shared history between the Lannisters and the Targaryens during his talk with Dany: “The brother who killed my father?” “That’s the one!”

+ No word from Jaime to Cersei, huh? I guess that means we’re not getting her “I love you, I love you, I love you” letter from her to him asking for his help in saving her. His burning of that letter is one of my favorite pieces of Jaime character development, but I guess no one cares about what the fuck I want.

+ Sam’s assurance to Olly that Jon “always comes back” sounded kind of piningly romantic, right? But given all the homophobic jokes about Jon Snow made this episode, I’ll just let that go and instead focus on Sam’s great line: “I’ve seen the Army of the Dead. I’ve seen the White Walkers.” SO HAVE WE, AND IT’S GREAT.

+ Loved the Thenn chieftain scoffing “There are stories about ice spiders big as hounds” – well, dude, MAYBE THERE ARE, AND WE JUST HAVEN’T MET THEM YET.

+ BOOK READERS: Uhhh, so did anyone else immediately think of the Mummer Dragon/Aegon the Pretender when Tyrion said “Not a single person who shares your blood is alive to support you”? Because I couldn’t NOT think that.