Here's something you probably didn't expect to hear about Fifty Shades of Grey, the adaptation of E.L. James' novel loved by bored soccer moms everywhere: it's utterly ridiculous. Okay, you might have seen that coming, but were you also expecting to learn that it's incredibly dull, too? At the very least, any story involving as much bondage and sexual dominance should be entertaining just out of sheer curiosity. It's sex. Even bad sex is worth keeping your eyes open for...or maybe that's us dudes who feel that way. Regardless, Fifty Shades of Grey, even if it's bad...which it most certainly is....shouldn't be boring, and yet those who take their significant others to see it this Valentine's Day may find the evening ends with a soft kiss on the cheek rather than a night full of boot knockin'.
There's a pretty good chance that nothing from James' novel could be taken
at face value on the big screen because it's so damned corny, but it doesn't
help to have such a bland star as Jamie Dornan as the BDSM dominant Christian
Grey. Then again, the Twilight movies had the ultra-dull Robert
Pattinson as the "deep, emotionally tormented" hunky dude, and Fifty
Shades of Grey began life as vamp fan-fic. So any notions of normal human
behavior should be thrown out the window completely. This is wish fulfillment
for the romantically hopeless, nothing more. But damn, can we at least get two
stars with a lick of chemistry?
Reports have been going around for weeks about on-set squabbles between the
author and mediocre director Sam Taylor-Johnson, but also about the genuine
dislike between stars Dornan and Dakota Johnson. It shows. She may have wanted
to use the copious amount of blindfolds and neckties to strangle him. If only
they had some decent material to work with, maybe it would have made
co-existing easier. Instead this thing literally stumbles out of the gate and
right into unintentional comedy. Johnson plays naive, sexually-inexperienced
English college student Anastasia Steele, who is (rather unbelievably) asked to
fill-in for her journalist friend (Eloise Mumford) on a serious interview
with isolated billionaire, Christian Grey. After tripping into his office and
annoying him with her lack of preparedness (she's an English major not a
journalist), somehow this becomes endearing to him. Why? Because the plot needs
it to be. Desperately. Never mind there's simply no connection there; or that
their mutual interest in one another makes no sense. This is the time where he
begins to see her as...well, not a romantic interest but a partner in pain.
See, Christian has a very particular kind of sexual interest. After a couple
of awkward encounters in which he's creepily possessive and kindof a stalker,
she gives in to his wooing willingly. But wait, she's all virginal and stuff,
which only seems to encourage him further because guys always want to be the
first to plant their flag. But Ana's inexperience is the only justification for
her interest in Christian at this point. She's apparently experienced nothing
in her life, and not just on a sexual level, so when he opens the door to his
"red room of pain" she doesn't run away screaming. He wants her to be
his sexual submissive; owned like a piece of property and kept in a room on a
different floor of the house. Christian doesn't do romance, or so he says, yet
at every turn there's a contradiction. He buys her cars, takes her on airplane
rights, and basically woos the crap out of her. But he's also so TORTURED and
full of painful childhood memories or something. Every cliché about the damaged
man who needs to be fixed by a perfectly normal (boring) woman are there. Wait,
isn't this movie supposed to be risqué or something?
Despite plenty of sex, there's absolutely nothing sexy or risky about Fifty
Shades of Grey. Perhaps if a better director was at the helm (I'd kill to
see what David Fincher would do with it) scenes meant to be taken seriously
wouldn't have had the audience busting out into laughter. But it's hard to make
lines like "I'd like to bite that bottom lip" or "I'm going to
fuck you into next week" work no matter who is saying them. Screenwriter
Kelly Marcel had her work cut out for her from the start. Any attempt to
explore sexual and gender dynamics has all the complexity of a high school
crush, but...oh yeah, Twilight fan-fic. That explains it. 
If there's anything good to say about it, and there isn't much, it's the
awkward innocence of Dakota Johnson's performance. She's not only funny
(intentionally funny, too!), but does as good a job with some of the least sexy
sex scenes in recent memory. That she's given nothing to work with from the
emotionally vacant Dornan doesn't help her cause, and she deserves credit for
not just throwing up her hands in resignation. Others may not have the same
willpower. If Fifty Shades of Grey is what such a large legion of people
believes romance should look like, then that is incredibly sad.
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
